O My Lord Valentine!
by Marshmallow Peep
Summary: Reno's losing his job and begs Vincent for help, offering to fetch him a girlfriend in return. But Reno seems to be offering himself instead, while Cid, Rude and the others stand by in disbelief. [Mild yaoi] CidVin, RenoVin. Creative enough?
1. Reno's Dilemma, Vincent's Plight

**O My Lord Valentine**  
---Chapter One  
  
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is not mine. I don't own any of the characters in this story unless otherwise noted.

Warnings: Some inevitable Cid-centric language, implications of yaoi couplings (Cid/Vincent, Vincent/Reno).

Author Note: This has been my first fanfiction in about a year. Some scenes will be awkward. Some scenes will be wrong. Cry me a river. I'll send you a lifeboat of hope.

* * *

"Dammit!" shouted Cid. "We've done this before! Woman, what's your problem?"  
  
Yuffie ran for her Materia, and perhaps even her life. Somehow she'd managed to escape Cloud up to this point, but now she felt herself reeling to an all-time low—scrounging into a clay pot and praying. Moments passed, and then the beating commenced. He caught her. Cloud Strife could not be avoided.  
  
Still she burst out of the pot and took her way down the path, but Cid stood poised in her way, a spear in one hand, a cig in the other. Skidding to turn around, she ran towards the Pagoda, but one other man escaped her memory, who just happened to be standing there. She crashed into Vincent, both of them wailing in confusion. Vince lost his footing, slipping back over the stone path and into the pond, Yuffie not far behind.  
  
"Damn. Real graceful, Vinny." Cid clomped lakeside and leaned over the water, staring at Vincent's panicked flailing arms in the shallow pond. "What? You drownin'?"  
  
"Help me Cid! Get her off!"  
  
"Cid, help him," Cloud said, leaning on his Buster. Yuffie had apparently died, or feigned unconsciousness, and lay motionless on top of Vincent. Finally he gave up and lay motionless as well. "Yes Cid. Help me."  
  
Cid attempted to lift Yuffie by her headband, allowing Vinny to wriggle from under her, but in a shocking array of energy she pounced over his hand and stormed away again, stampeding over Vinny and dropping only three Materia she'd neglected to hide. Vincent was stunned as Cid picked up the Materia.  
  
"Good thing she washed her shoes b'fore stompin' ya, eh, Vin?"  
  
"Those...were not...clean," he wearily replied.  
  
"Listen." Cloud sheathed his buster and gestured toward the mountains. "We've got three Materia. There's a good chance Yuffie'll come back for them, so let's not get too bugged. We're going to Gold Saucer without her. What do we got, Cid?"  
  
"Lightning, Phoenix, and Cover."  
  
"Cid, you take the Lightning, and Vin, you take the rest. I'm fine without them."  
  
"'Cause you're fuckin' Superman, Mako boy." Cid turned on his heels and followed Cloud, leaving Vincent to struggle out of the pond and drip his way behind them.  
  
Vincent droned on through the plains, wondering why he always mounted the wrong end of the chocobo, so to speak. Since that morning he'd been getting the worst of everything. The boys on the ship taunted him, the girls pitied up, sympathetic over his long sleep, lack of feelings, and the obvious fact that he hadn't been laid in years.  
  
"After Yuffie goes up the Pagoda, we're goin' to Gold Saucer the rest of the day!" Cid insisted that morning. "It's a long shot, but since we're staying the night, maybe you'll find yourself some nutjob to fuck while you're there! You need it, man."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Did I stutter? I said you need it. I mean, I've tried gettin' you drunk, and you didn't loosen up. I've tried sittin' you down to watch sports with the guys'n you fell asleep. Shit! The only options left are to get you a girl or get you a hoe, and I know you ain't ready for no girlfriend!"  
  
Vincent considered taking his gun and giving himself a good shot in the head, when the sound of rapidly-turning blades reached his ears. He looked up to find a helicopter hovering over him, and picked up his lackluster pace. "Cid! Cloud! Back here!"  
  
The two turned around just in time to see the helicopter touch down on the grass. Vincent stopped and turned around yards away from the Highwind. He could've sworn he'd heard a familiar voice.  
  
Rude tried to step out first, but Reno insisted and crawled from under him, rather unprofessionally. He jumped out of the copter's cockpit, bearing his awkward Turks-style grin. "So, we meet again," he started to say, but stopped short of the impending speech.  
  
Rude walked up behind him. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Look at that." He pointed to Vincent, wringing his cloak off in the grass. "He's disrespectin' us! Hey! You!"  
  
Already not liking where this was headed, he tried his luck and continued pressing the fabric.  
  
"Yo! I'm talking to you!"  
  
Rude had to wonder why Reno wouldn't let well enough alone, but he let the scrawny redhead have his way.  
  
Vincent released his cloak with a sigh. "What is it."  
  
"You and me! Right now!"  
  
"Reno." Rude poked his shoulder gingerly. "What exactly are you—"  
  
"Can it. I have a bone to pick with this guy!" His haughty accusing finger pointed straight at Vincent, now wringing out his hair. "I saw the way she jumped on you back there. You make me sick. SICK!"  
  
Vincent gasped. "What?"  
  
"Don't act like you don't know. You disgust me. With your pretty hair and your pretty eyes and your pretty...pretty..."  
  
Rude poked him once more. "Reno, you're getting strange."  
  
"Shut up. What I mean to say is—"  
  
"I don't know what you see in Yuffie, of all people," said Vincent, walking towards the Highwind, "but I assure you, I'm in no way attracted to her. Cid, Cloud, I'd appreciate it if we left now."  
  
"No! Wait! You can't!"  
  
Rude swore Reno kicked up a storm of dust as he charged in front of Vincent. Cid and Cloud, confused as they were, backed up as this circus act neared them. Reno grabbed Vincent by the shoulders shook him excitedly.  
  
"Please, I'm sorry, don't go! I need you!"  
  
Rude thought back on the times few and far apart that Reno might've hinted on homosexuality, and cringed. "I never knew..."  
  
Vincent groaned, "Oh my..."  
  
"No," said ignorant Reno, still protesting Vincent's departure. An awkward moment passed before he slapped himself and shook his head furiously. Apparently it clicked. "NO! Not in that way! I mean...what I mean is..."  
  
Everyone went silent, waiting for Reno's brilliant excuse.  
  
"It...It has nothing to do with Yuffie, really...but my job, it...it, uh..." Reno took a deep breath, stomped his feet firmly to the ground, grabbed Vincent's lapel and shrieked, "They're gonna FIRE my useless ass and I need you guys' help!" 


	2. O My Lord Valentine!

**O My Lord Valentine**  
---Chapter Two  
  
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is not mine. I don't own any of the characters in this story unless otherwise noted.

Warnings in this Chapter: Cursing, more implied yaoi (Cid/Vincent, Vincent/Reno)

Author Note: The last chapter was short, as is this one. That's because I just recently acquired this cockamamie idea. Please tell me what you think. I'm going for originality. Surprise. Excitement. Neato stuff like that.

* * *

Elena took off with her helicopter, looking down on the Highwind with concern. "Oh boy," she mumbled to herself. "Those guys'll never believe him."  
  
"And that's how it is, folks." Reno leaned over the mahogany table of the Operations Room, mourning his horrible predicament. "They think I'm a good- for-nothing. Rude's okay, but me, I'm a goner if I don't shape up. And with Aeris gone I can't help recruit her, which means I'm outta work, which means I'm about to be...terminated."  
  
"So?" Tifa said, hands firmly on her hips.  
  
"So..." he gestured toward Vincent, who unfortunately sat next to him. "That's where this guy comes in."  
  
The team and Rude watched in horror as he swiped at Vincent's lapel once again and buried his head in Vinny's chest. "Oh mighty lord, ascendant of the Turks, please help me!"  
  
"How did you know...that I...?"  
  
"Rude and Yuffie had a little friendly chat when he was untying her." He looked up eagerly at the distraught ex-Turk. "Ya know, the day Corneo got out of hand. He pointed to him and said 'Who's that?' and Yuffie said 'That's Vincent. He was in Turks like thirty years ago.' But you don't look over twenty-five, Lord Valentine."  
  
"'Lord Valentine?'"  
  
"Yes! Lord Valentine, this job means everything to me! I'll do whatever you ask so long as my occupation is secure!" He snuggled against Vincent once again, but Cid grabbed him from behind and jerked him away.  
  
"Yo, you've got to be kiddin' me! Where's this 'Lord Valentine' shit comin' from?"  
  
"Hojo's always saying, 'Turks these days aren't what they used to be.' So I'm here to learn from the master!"  
  
Vincent looked like he wanted to die.  
  
"The 'master,' huh? And what makes you think Vinny here would help a Turk like you?" He waved his spear in Reno's face.  
  
Rude raised his hand to answer. "Because Reno loves his job. And he's harmless either way."  
  
Red XII smiled. "Yes, we do make mincemeat of you frequently."  
  
Cloud looked up and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "But what about Yuffie, then? What's she got to do with this?" He glared at Reno. "Do you...like her, Reno? Or is it, um...is it...?"  
  
"I think he goes both ways," said Rude.  
  
"Can we just CAN IT?! I'm here for Lord Valentine, not you AVALANCHE vultures!" Vincent found himself cheek-to-cheek with an overeager Turk. "So! What are we going to do first, my lord?"  
  
"Please," Barret groaned. "I can't take this anymore!"  
  
The shaft of Cid's spear battered Reno's flaming red head. "Get off'a him ya lousy Turk! You sure as hell ain't comin' with us to Gold Saucer, no fuckin' way! I fear for Vinny's safety, y'know!"  
  
"Thank you Cid," said jaded Vincent. "I hate my life."  
  
"I know you do, Vinny. Don't worry, we're here for you—hey, where the hell are...?!"  
  
Red and Reno left the Operations Room for the cockpit, discussing with intrigue Cid's attempt at playing father-figure. 


	3. The Gold Saucer

**O My Lord Valentine**  
---Chapter Three  
  
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is not mine. I don't own any of the characters in this story unless otherwise noted.

Warnings in this Chapter: Cursing, male on male glompage (woo!)

Author Note: Er... another late-night Vanilla Coke-induced installment. I hope you like. Though I doubt the world will ever realize the beauty that is My Lord Valentine...

* * *

Things were going way too fast.  
  
Vincent wasn't oblivious to the austere looks Rude had been giving him all day, or the teddy bear way Reno clung by his side until they'd reached the wonderful Gold Saucer. He'd definitely made note of Cid's aggressive behavior toward Reno throughout the trip, and the way everyone else kept out of their way, but saw nothing wrong with making gossip.  
  
And what with Yuffie nabbing their Materia, the day had left them more than enough to chew. Night was settling in for a long stay by the time they'd arrived at Gold Saucer, leaving Yuffie behind in Wutai.  
  
"She'll be all right," Cloud justified, swinging his gigantic Buster like it was nothing. "Okay, everyone have fun tonight. There's no telling what we're in for tomorrow." Tifa crept under his arm as he led her to the chocobo racetracks.  
  
Barret nodded, waving his bulky gun arm at Red and Cait. "Yo, I don't feel like sleeping yet. What do y'all wanna do?"  
  
"Arcade!" Cait Sith blurted.  
  
Rude raised his hand and smiled coyly. "I'd like to come too."  
  
"Alright then! I get to have a human with me!"  
  
"That's good," said Cid, "'cause Vinny and I are goin' to the Battle Square. Right, Vinny?"  
  
"I guess so," Vincent hummed behind him. The fumes of Cid's cigarette followed them both as Cid took him by the wrist. They jumped down the Battle Square portal, leaving Reno to eat their dust quietly. And hopefully, quiet would he stay.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"'Lord Valentine.' What a buncha bull!" Cid smothered what remained of his cigarette in the area, then impaled some strange monster with his spear. "What do you think, Vinny? What a nutjob!"  
  
"Indeed." In one swift bang of his gun the first enemy died. Though Vincent did remember something Cid said, about finding a "nutjob" at the Saucer to...never mind.  
  
"Boy's got somethin' strange in him, thinkin' you're some kinda _savior_." He leaned by to let out a hearty laugh, when the last enemy stand charged right for him.  
  
"Cid!" Vincent dashed ahead of it, feeling its thick claws tearing at his back. Cid grabbed him when he fell forward, and came to his senses. With a wave of his weapon-clad hand a bolt of lightning rose from the spear's tip. It shot down on the beast, causing it to wail out in one final cry of its life.  
  
When Cid let go, Vincent staggered to his knees, cringing.  
  
"Wow, good lookin' out." Cid stooped to one knee as well, and found himself laying a hand of Vincent's shoulder. "You saved me!"  
  
"I...guess so." _But you just said I'm no one's savior...  
_  
Cid shouted to the moderators, "We're done for tonight!" then gently placed an arm under Vincent's. "We made it real far, Vinny. We're done for tonight."  
  
"If I had all my Materia..."  
  
"Shut up, Vinny. I said we got real far. Don't you go tryin' to apologize. Let's go back to the hotel so you can rest a bit; you been takin' my hits all night with just that Cover'a yours."  
  
Cid helped him out of the arena slowly, silently cursing Yuffie for stealing all their Cures. But still, knowing Vincent, and battling by his side since he'd joined in this journey, he knew that Vincent wasn't that bad off. He could've taken more, but Cid wouldn't let him.  
  
Together they walked down the fancy red carpet in silence, with no sign of Cloud, Barret or...Reno. Cid scowled a little. What could that bastard be doing now...  
  
"...Cid?"  
  
They'd almost reached the Ghost Hotel portal when Vincent looked up with questioning crimson eyes. "What is it?"  
  
"Reno..."  
  
"What about him?"  
  
Vincent gestured to look up the carpeted stairs. That energetically intoxicated version of Reno came storming down the steps, looking not at all drained for a man that's been actively pestering Vincent since early that morning.  
  
"Aw hell. For the love of..."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"WARK!"  
  
"Shut up." Cloud glowered at his chocobo. He didn't hardly care that it won him the race. He just hated...that sound.  
  
"WARK! WARK-WARK!"  
  
"Wark yourself, bitch."  
  
"Now, now, Cloud." Tifa waved her gloved finger delicately, leaning forward to chastise him. "That chocobo didn't do a thing to deserve that."  
  
"He said 'Wark-wark.' That's 'Yo mama' in Chocobo."  
  
"If you say so. Cloud, I'm tired."  
  
"Alright, we'll get moving, then." Before he turned to leave the track, he leaned to the closest chocobo and whispered "Wark. Wark-wark, wark." (That's Chocobo for "That's right. I'm getting some.")  
  
"Wark! Wark waaaaark." ("Damn! You the maaaaan.")  
  
They proceeded to the Ghost Hotel (of course, Tifa went oblivious to Cloud's fluency of Choconese), but stopped short of the stairs as Vincent stumbled his way up, with the help of Cid...and Reno.  
  
Tifa scratched her head. "Did they make up?"  
  
"It looks like they're buddies, but really it's a whole new fight."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"You did it! Mog is flying!"  
  
"What the _hell_ is this?!" Barret had all but slammed his fists into the less-than-riveting game...if you could call it a game.  
  
Rude smiled under his shades. "I found it to be quite pleasant."  
  
"If find you to be quite a pansy!"  
  
"I find pansies are pleasant as well."  
  
Red snickered as he played 3D Battler. "Look Cait, he can't hit me. I'm too short."  
  
- - - - - - - - -  
  
"Here you go, Vinny. You'll feel better in no time."  
  
Vincent nodded his thanks and sat back against the headboard of the best, sipping the lemonade Cid brought him. Reno stood with his arms stiffly crossed, tapping his foot and glaring through the window. Probably feeling more useless than ever. He'd attempted to stay by Vincent's side the whole day. Maybe he was truly serious about saving his job...  
  
"Lord Valentine—"  
  
"QUIT CALLING HIM THAT!" Cid shouted at the top of his lungs, forgetting that he was closer to Vincent's ear than Reno's.  
  
"Don't yell at him, Cid. He's merely being loyal."  
  
Cid gave him a disgusted look.  
  
"To his job. Loyal to his job!"  
  
"Oh, okay." His discomforting stare returned to Reno's humble face.  
  
"Reno...Let me make you a deal..."  
  
"Yes Lord Valentine?"  
  
Cid groaned. He shook his head and leaned on the wall by the door.  
  
"Tomorrow...I'll teach you what I remember, of the behavior and mannerisms of the, um...of your ancestors."  
  
"You will? You'll do that for me?"  
  
Like I have a choice. "So long as you refrain from calling me Lord Valentine."  
  
"Oh my lord Valentine, I'm afraid that's impossible. But thank you, sir, for your kindness."  
  
It was then, Cid being too far away to stop him, and Vincent being too injured, Reno bowed to the point where he practically threw himself at Vincent. Vinny flailed helplessly as he did that morning, but to no avail. Reno had glomped the life from his muscles by the time Cid's spear whacked his cranium.  
  
"GET LOST, DAMMIT!"  
  
The scrawny redhead scrambled out of range. "Dag! Put that overgrown rolling pin down, ya disgruntled housewife! What did you think I was doing to him?!" A sharp breath of air escaped his small lips, that curled into a smile when he noticed his lord was watching him. "It's late. I'll be on my way, my lord."  
  
"Um, er..." He smiled back in reply. Perhaps a little too brightly for Cid.  
  
Vincent was sure of that when the door shut and Reno had left.  
  
"What the FUCK was that, Vincent?! Just gonna smile at him like that, get his gay little hopes up! What are you doin'?!"  
  
"I didn't mean to—"  
  
"Like hell you didn't."  
  
"Cid, please. There seems to be something wrong with him. Or does he always require a sovereign to tend to?"  
  
"Gah, I dunno. I don't care, either. Let's just call it a night and pretend this was all a bad dream. We'll look for Yuffie early tomorrow morning."  
  
"But Cid, I promised—"  
  
"_Early_ tomorrow morning." 


	4. Go Back to Bed

**O My Lord Valentine**  
---Chapter Four  
  
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is not mine. I don't own any of the characters in this story unless otherwise noted.   
Warnings in this Chapter: Looks like it's Reno/Vincent now , Cid/Vincent, I won't even mention the cursing now   
Author Note: Uh-oh, I'm getting in the heart-wrenching shounen ai mood now...watch it...

* * *

Reno skulked through the vibrant blue dawn glowing through the hotel corridors, down the creaking steps and outside where his phone had a decent connection. To most, something would be wrong with going out in public in a white button-down shirt and plain boxers, but half-past four in the morning closed down all the rides, and thus no one bothered to see what lie beyond the daylight of the Gold Saucer. He held the phone to his ear as it rang once, twice. He rubbed his sleepy eyes as it rang a sixth time. Finally, Elena picked up:

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! IT'S FOUR IN THE MORNING---"

"It's Reno."

"Oh. Hi, Reno!"

"Hey." He yawned and spoke at the same time. "Vincent Valentine's going to help me win my favors back."

"Really? That's great! I'd really hate to lose you as a partner."

"Yeah. Partner." He yawned one more time, pondering what to say next.

"Er...Reno?"

"Hm?"

"You're not calling him Lord Valentine, are you?"

"Why yes I am."

"Oh goodness. Why don't you and Rude come on back. Your work's just piling up. Have some responsibility!"

"Can it. I want to do this. Just letting you know what I'm to." He cut the connection instantly, fell back on the steps and sighed. Since Tseng passed away he'd done more worrying over his job than ever before. Shinra hired more Turks, more competition, and less fun-loving could be done. Until at last, he couldn't take the pressure, and here he was...sleeping with the enemy. Or trying to, for the hell of it. An intriguing waste of his time.

"Responsibility...for losers like you, Elena."

* * *

Vincent woke up early, sweating bullets. He didn't shoot out of bed screaming, and didn't have a nightmare. There was something, though, that simply...unnerved him. Something about that day, about Cid, about...

...Reno?

It wasn't a dream. He knew that. He couldn't forget it, and wouldn't.

His silky hair slipped from the soft carriage of the pillow, falling down his back and slender pallor shoulders. Now _two _men were serving him as they would a king. Oh, what did the others think of him. What would Lucrecia think.

"Ascendant of the Turks." Flattering, but no. It made no sense.

Vincent got up and slipped on his slick black pants, threw on his double-breasted black jacket, not caring to button it up. He pulled on his boots and considered himself acceptable to be walking around in the hall, his headband and cloak still draped across the chair in the far corner. His hand of flesh poised on the doorknob, he gently turned it...

And then there was Reno, ambling slowly back to his room. He looked back at Vincent, not saying a word. It seemed he was happy with just walking away.

"Reno," called Vincent, before he could stop himself.

Reno turned back toward him instantly. "Yes?"

The wind outside was picking up--Vin could hear it through his window. "How...How are you today?"

"I'm, um...I'm fine." _My career is in ruins. _"And you?"

"I'm fairly well." _I'm never well. _"We return to Wutai today."

"Before you teach me the historic ways of the Turks?"

"Well I don't know yet," he said quickly. "Would you know the time?"

_Would you know it? Who talks like that nowadays? _"Yeah, 'bout a quarter to five."

"Ah."

They stood in silence out in the hall for a long, awkward moment. Vincent toyed with his hair. Reno tapped his foot. Vincent whistled that stupid song he'd heard from Tifa before. Then Reno lunged forward, poking Vincent in the chest with his finger. "Hey, we're not doin' anything. You can teach me something now--"

Then Cid came loping down the hall, growling. He stopped short of Vincent with his hair a hot mess and Reno in his boxers with a digit on Vincent's bare chest. His unimpressed growl gurgled louder in his throat.

Vincent tried to explain that this was simply mere coincidence, but Cid dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "Shut it, Vinny. I don't even wanna know."

"But Cid, I--"

"C'mere." Vincent found his neck hooked under Cid's obviously unclean armpit. He didn't protest, only squeaked some odd rendition of "OK." "Now Vinny," Cid started, waving his correcting finger. "What have I told you about sneakin' around at night with _little boys?_"

"But Reno has to be over twenty--"

"WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU?!"

"Nothing!" he whimpered.

Reno raised his fist. "How DARE you yell at Lord Valentine! You're the shit in my toilet!"

"Well you're the ash'a my cig!"

Vincent saw sparks fly in a bad way, especially from his position under Cid's arm. Their teeth clenched in a heated battle of growls and snarls you'd think would come from Red. Reno looked more like a yapping mutt puppy, barking up the wrong tree, which happened to be almost a clear foot over his wild red hair.

Then Cloud tapped Cid's shoulder, yawning. His pants were hardly buttoned, his hair looking even more like a chocobo than usual. "Er...there's no toilet paper in my room. Can I use the john?"

"Oh. Um..."

Vincent yanked himself from under Cid, gently gesticulating toward the door. "Of course you can, Cloud."

"Thanks." He padded into Vincent's room in his fluffy Mog slippers...or maybe they were Tifa's..."Sorry guys. Pretend I'm not here. Keep fighting."

Reno's hands held the back of his head. He sighed halfheartedly as the bathroom door shut. Cid groaned and rubbed his forehead. "I don't even...I don't even feel like it no more..."

"Me neither, man. Let's call it a morning. Lord Vinny and I have a class to tend to--"

"What'd you just say? Did you call him VINNY?"

"Yeah? You do it all the time."

"You bastard! C'mere and let me hit you!!"

Outside of Vincent's room the two grown men appeared to be playing Ring Around the Rosy in a less than agreeable fashion, spewing vulgarity and guaranteeing a sure-fire wake-up call for the entire floor. Vincent waited at his bathroom door for Cloud to appear, looking rather victorious. Cloud watched Vincent's tired face sink into a frown. "Cloud. Unless you find it funny for a man of my age and condition to cry, you will help this poor, poor soul."

* * *

AN: I seem to be stuck on this "scene-by-scene" ultra-short chapter kinda thing. I wanna see how many I can dish out in a week. Bear with me, 'kay? I'll have another one cranked out by closin' time. And PLEASE read and review, because I get so depressed when it looks like no one's reading...please?


	5. Helping Under Influence

**O My Lord Valentine**  
---Chapter Five  
  
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is not mine. I don't own any of the characters in this story unless otherwise noted.  
Warnings in this Chapter: This is where the yaoi comes out, folks.  
Author Note: Thank you for my first reviews. Though few in number, I'm happy to know no flames have crossed my path. In thanks, I give you a chapter with a more extended plot, more stuff going on, and um...slightly more yaoiness. Because yaoi is love.

* * *

"We went to have fun!" complained Cid as the Highwind flew farther and farther from the Gold Saucer. His fist hit the mahogany table, causing everyone to jump. "We went to get poor Vinny laid, and look what happened! This no-good Turk is stalkin' ya, Vinny!"

"I'm not _stalking _him, old man. Time's running out for me and I need him to show me how to be the ultimate Turk."

Cait Sith snickered. "No. Reno wants his body." Red XII laughed too.

"What'd you say?"

"Nothin'."

Barret crossed his bulky arms. "Well we don't appreciate your harassin' our vampire."

"I'm not a vampire," said Vincent. "I am a scientifically-altered experiment from the--"

"Bowels of hell!" His gun arm flailed in the air as he made an urgent scene of things. "We don't care what you are! Now Reno! You woke us all up at four o'-damn-clock. You _can_ act normal, can't ya?!"

"Yes," he said calmly.

"Good! So here's the thing: Vinny here needs himself a woman--"

"Barret, no," Vincent pleaded.

"--and _we_ need you and Rude to get your Turk asses out of our ship. So Vincent teaches you whatever the hell he's doin', and you get him a nice girl he can...um..."

"Fuck," Red whispered to Cait.

"Would you two shut up?! Oh...yeah. Fuck!"

"Oh, is that all?" said Reno. "Lord Valentine requires a mistress?"

Rude stood by Barret, shaking his shiny head. "Please forgive him. His job is all that keeps him sane."

"Yeah, I can get him a lay." (Vincent collapsed at the table, hiding in his hair.) "As a matter of fact, I know the perfect girl."

"Girl, right?" Cid repeated, cupping one hand to his ear. "You said, 'girl?'"

"Ahem." Tifa rubbed her hands together.

"Yes. And that girl is Scarlett."

Tifa's mouth dropped five stories.

Vincent gulped. "Scarlett? Shinra's Head of Weapons Development?"

"Oh yes. She beds _all _the cute guys."

Rude twitched. "My respect for you is waning."

Vincent felt his mood begin to plummet when he thought of his newfound job. The one that didn't require skulking around some seedy club. Turks bad. AVALANCHE good. He'd figured that long ago. So how could he get rid of Rude and Reno without going against his team?

"I don't want Scarlett," Vincent said firmly into the table once again. "If anything I'd like to be left alo--" All of a sudden he screamed out "YUFFIE!"

"Yuffie? You want her?"

"Yuffie is still in Wutai!" Cid said.

* * *

"Hmph." Yuffie sat on the steps of the Pagoda with her head in her hands. "Note to self: never make Cloud mad again. Ever." She shook her bag full of Materia she'd promised herself to return, knowing good and well that she missed their trip to the Gold Saucer. The sun told her it had to be ten o' clock at least. Maybe they weren't even coming.

As she let out a peeved sigh a loud whirring noise hovered past her head. "It's the Highwind!" Springing up, Yuffie dashed down the path to chase down Cid's airship. "Wait for me, you guys! I'm over here!"

* * *

"Seen a chick named Yuffie around?" Reno's cheery smile was contagious, even to the bartender of Turtle's Paradise. "Yuffie Kisaragi?"

Vincent stood by and watched at a safe distance. He figured he'd have to take note of Reno's behavior if he wanted to look like he knew what he was doing.

"Yes I have. Last I saw her was over by the Pagoda."

"Thank ya. Say, can you get me your special for the day--"

"Reno." Vincent placed a hand on his shoulder. "Good Turks don't veer off-course."

"Oh. Right! Sorry 'bout that!" Vinny flinched when Reno patted him on the back, but they left the tavern together, side by side.

"Wow, Vin, it's amazing we got away from that Cid character."

Vincent didn't reply. He'd had a hard enough time being alone with this...nutjob. No matter how bright his smile, there was something that wouldn't allow him to just...

"Loosen up, Vinny-boy! Look, she's right there." He pointed toward the Wutai Item Shop. Cloud and Cid watched Yuffie jump up and down, swinging their Materia like a gay schoolgirl. "Looks like she's been bored."

"Indeed."

One of those dreaded awkward moments fell on them like a blanket. Vincent poked at the crevices in his synthetic arm. Reno looked around like something had actually fallen on them. When Vincent looked up, Reno had focused on Vincent's face, and smiled that contagious smile.

"...Reno?"

With a swift and painful jerk Reno dragged him back to Turtle's Paradise. "C'mon now, let's get ourselves some drinks!"

"Wait! Good Turks don't...do this!"

* * *

Sure, second-in-command Reno had the skills, but he just didn't have the self-control. "Another round, please!" he hollered, grinning with intoxication. "For my buddy here, too!"

_How odd, _Vincent thought, sipping at the weakest drink he could find. _This is truly a quagmire. A dilemma with no end and no beginning. One of Cid's favorite places to take me...are also one of Reno's..._

"Hey Vinny-boy."

Vincent watched him from under his thick raven hair with questioning eyes. At least he had the sense to not call him "lord" or "master" in public.

"You're so _quiet_, Vinny-boy! C'mon, check out some of the girls! S'what you're here for, y'know?"

"Oh. I, um..." He slowly grazed over the entire room. There were a lot of women around for so early in the morning, and, like in anime, every single one of them looked flawless.

"Which one do ya like, eh?" Reno speared Vincent's arm with his elbow. "Or do ya go for guys more?"

"What...did you say...?"

* * *

"WHERE'D THAT BASTARD GO!"

Red and Cloud tried to keep Cid under control, but as many times as they sat him down he'd just bounce back up again and attempt to bum rush the door. Cloud had his shoulders. Red, lacking those wonderful things called thumbs, resorted to biting Cid's back belt loop and yanking him back to his chair. "I don't trust 'em with Vinny, ya hear me? We gotta watch 'em!"

Red's tail wagged furiously. "Cid, you must trust Vincent to handle Reno on his own. He's a big boy now."

"No he ain't! He'll always be my little boy!"

"Say that one more time?"

"NO!"

Yuffie smiled, sitting with her legs folded by Cait Sith. "I don't know what's going on, but it's so cute!"

Cait fell forward on his Mog. "So this is what happens when you take Cid's Vincent away..."

Rude stood next to them, grinning, up until he heard his phone ring. Now frowning miserably, he put it to his ear.

* * *

"Rude, it's Elena. We need you and Reno here now!"

"Elena, we...Reno is currently tied up at the moment. Undergoing...whatever he's doing with Valentine."

"Well we're gonna need just you then, 'cuz...Who's that yelling?"

"Oh, that's um...Turk Valentine's, um..."

Cait whispered "Husband."

Yuffie whispered "Father!"

Cloud yelled from across the room "Bitch-ass boyfriend!"

"His bitch-ass boyfriend, Elena."

"Oh!" she said. "Is something wrong?"

"I believe he's jealous."

"Of what?"

Cait whispered "His butt."

Yuffie whispered "His luck!"

Red growled "That Reno's got him all to himself!"

"He thinks Reno's getting lucky, Elena."

"Reno's gay?"

"Oh. Um...Yes. Or no. Or...I'm sorry, I just don't know anymore."

* * *

"Ain't you ever kissed a girl before, Vinny-boy?"

Vincent was now left with no sort of comfort whatsoever. He twiddled his thumbs on the counter. "Perhaps I did. But I don't remember."

"Aw, poor guy." Reno leaned forward against Vincent, to Vinny's utter shock. "That's, okay," he said slowly, his voice shaking. "You can kiss me for practice."

"R-R-Reno! Good Turks don't throw themselves drunk at their mentors!"

But Reno just wasn't listening. Despite the jeers and gasps from bystanders he leaned even more into Vincent, drunkenly grinning ear to ear. "Don't ya wanna take someone home with you, Vinny-boy? Well you can't pick no one up if they're too soggy from sloppy kissin'! I mean, shoooot! That'sh jus' nasty! So go on, I'll help ya, Vinny-boy!"

"God almighty, no!"

He tried to hold Reno back with just one hand, knowing his synthetic fingers were likely to tear some flesh. Reno was too high and happy to notice he'd practically sat on Vincent's lap, and now proceeded to draw closer to Vincent's lips in what might be the most beautiful-looking display of intoxicated public foolishness of all time. Vincent couldn't get away. Reno closed his eyes, and...

* * *

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

A mad burst of lightning struck everyone in the room, and in seconds the team lay in ruin. Yuffie had apparently died again, this time on Rude, who was just as dead. Cait Sith's roly-poly Mog tilted forward and back, forward and back, while the cat's ear twitched on top. Tifa lay motionless on the floor, remarkably resembling an overused prostitute, and Barret, poor Barret, fell forward when the bolt hit, and now his butt rose triumphantly in the air, the rest of him flat on the ground.

Cloud fell into a chair, gripping his beloved sword, a hickory-smoked expression on his face. Red trembled behind the chair, chewing on whatever it was in his mouth. "Ergh...What...happened?"

Tifa shook her head, slowly pushing herself off the floor. "A storm?"

"No," Red said, gnawing on that unknown thing in his mouth. Everyone started to slowly come to their senses, when Red noticed Cloud in the chair. Cid's chair. He spit the thing out; Cid's back belt loop. "Oh no!"

"What?" Cloud said.

"We've got to save Reno!"

* * *

AN: Yes, I think I'll leave you hanging before Reno and Vincent's kiss. I didn't want this story to be quite so conspicuous, but oh, how that scene just stuck in my head. Cliffhanger time.

Again, please tell me what you think, so I don't feel like I'm talking to myself.


	6. The Kiss and the Aftermath

**O My Lord Valentine**  
---Chapter Six!

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is not mine. I don't own any of the characters in this story unless otherwise noted.  
Warnings in this Chapter: Reno kissing Vin, Cloud discussing lecherous plots on Vin with his chocobos...  
Author Note: I love turning Cloud into a lewd mockery of himself. It just flows with him. It does.

* * *

Stunned Vincent felt Reno's smooth hands mesh through his hair, his lips pressed softly onto Vincent's. Reno leaned in, his hands wandering down Vincent's back. All the while Vincent tried to push him away, well aware of their location and all the people staring. Some girls giggled. A man far away yelled "Get a room, fags!" But if Vincent backed away he would tumble from the barstool, sure to give rise to a much thicker plot indeed.

Could he really have been that drunk? Reno's tongue pried through Vincent's horrified lips. The bartender stared with no regard to manners as Vincent tried hard to stay propped against his golden arm.

Finally Reno pulled his lips from Vincent's. "See?" he panted. "That's...how ya kiss, Vinny-boy...Here, I'll show you again..."

"No don't! You repressed--" Vincent found himself muffled by Reno's lips again, struggling to keep off of his back. He tried to yell for help, though in Reno's mind his muted words seemed more or less like a moan, and his tongue ended up in Vincent's mouth once more. In a matter of moments he started not to care that this boy was Frenching him in the middle of a pub. Cid had told him he needed a fling anyway. Who's to know if Cid planned this...

His shaking arm gave way, leaving Reno to fall forward on him.

It was then that Cid burst through the door, roaring like Bahamut on a rampage. Reno's shades fell over his eyes when he looked up, but it didn't matter what he saw. Cid pounced on him and threw him down, not asserting any kind of grace whatsoever. The shocked crowd now cheered for the latest bar brawl. "GO! GO! GO!"

Vincent sat up, looked down at Cid and Reno, caught in their cartoony little cloud of punches and hits on the floor. All he wanted to do was buy a cat suit and sit up in a tree somewhere, 'cuz that was what he felt like. A cat in a tree.

_Meow...?_

* * *

"You two should be ashamed of yourselves!" Tifa scolded Cid and Reno without remorse, looking them over as Hojo would his failed specimens. "Fighting over Vincent that way. It's appalling and shows lack of home training!"

"That's right," said Barret sternly.

Reno and Cid sat side-by-side in the Highwind cockpit, Cid twiddling his thumbs, Reno pulling his shoestrings.

"Just think of what all those other people in the bar must've thought! You represented _all _of us in there!"

"That's right!"

"Reno, what were you _thinking_, getting drunk at such a crucial point in your life? You could've hurt someone! Especially Vincent, him being so frail and tiny!"

Vincent groaned.

"That's right! And think if you scared 'im! He'd'a sucked the blood outta you b'fore you could yell for help!"

"That's true, Barret. And Cid! I know you like to defend Vincent, him being so sad and socially inept--"

"Can we stop this?" Vincent asked.

"--but he _is _the strongest member of our team and can hold his own if he so chooses!"

"That's right."

"And if he wants to let Reno have his way with him, far be it from you to interfere!"

"That's right!" both Barret and Reno exclaimed.

Vincent looked shocked. "But I...I..."

"Vincent! You sit and be grouched on like everybody else!"

Defeated, Vinny loped his way to the front of the cockpit, sat down between Cid and Reno and crossed his legs. They all looked down sadly.

"Now Vincent! You're supposed to be teaching him! What do you have to say for yourself?!"

Making patterns on the floor with his finger, Vinny replied, "I tried, but he was drunk."

"Well next time don't let him _get _drunk!"

"That's right!"

"Now, because you're so reclusive and I pity you, I'm not going to have to punish you, Vincent. And Cid, you're the captain, and I don't want to be kicked off the ship. So I'm just going to have to let all of you go for today."

"Now what do you say?"

"...Thank you Miss Lockheart," they all said in morbid unison.

"Your welcome. Now go do something. We'll be in Junon shortly."

Cid returned to his pilot's side, attempting to mend his broken pride with loud raging orders to his crew. Reno confided in Red XIII nearby, whispering gossip Red didn't want to hear about his session with Vincent.

And Vincent, feeling awkward after Tifa and Barret's parental act, left the cockpit altogether. He found Cloud in the chocobo wing, striking up some odd rendition of a conversation with a blue chocobo:

"Wark-wark-WARK, wark, wark, wark-WARK! Wa-waaaark!" ('And we found him humping Vincent at the bar, and I was like, 'Damn! They're hot together!') Cloud laughed until the chocobo poked his arm. He looked at Vincent and suddenly went pale. "Oh! um...Hi Vincent." He shot a glance at the chocobo. "Uhhhh...let me, um...I'll just...feed you...now..."

Vincent left without so much as a questioning look.

"Wark. WARK-wark wa-wark-wark, waar." ('Watch me. I'll bag his ass, too.')

"War-wark, WARK-wark wa-wark." ('Cloud, you're such a stud.')

* * *

Elena arrived in her chopper soon before AVALANCHE. Rude climbed in just outside of Junon, but Reno lingered behind. "I don't wanna go back when I know I'm gonna be fired," he told Vincent. "Especially after this morning."

"If I remember correctly, Rude can fill in for you." Vincent nodded his understanding, though one question rang clear in his head. "Er...Reno."

"Yes, Lord Valentine?"

_Oh, not that again. _"Are you aware, of what you...did? Back there?"

Reno looked at him with that disarming smile, the midday sun glowing from his red hair. He slid his shades down over his eyes. "Yeah. I know what I did."

Vincent wasn't surprised. Red and Cloud had been giving him strange looks all day.

"But you know Vincent Valentine, I think if we tried hard enough we'd find us some common ground. We could be friends, y'know? And there's somethin' about you bein' a Turk from the past that I don't understand. You really don't look old enough!"

"It's...a long story."

"Tell it to me some time."

Reno waved goodbye to Rude and Elena as Vincent joined up with Cid on the rocky hill. Unfortunately, he hadn't noticed Cid was talking to Cloud at the time.

They shut up immediately, as he thought they would. "Yo, Vinny! How's it goin'?"

Vincent nodded to Cid and Cloud, afraid to ask what they were up to.

Cloud told him anyways. Or part of it, anyway. "Cid says he's going to have a little man-to-man chat with that Reno. To get things cleared up between them."

"Is that so," said Vincent, clearly unimpressed. The looks on their faces did not make him too happy.

Cloud continued, "We need that Huge Materia. Maybe if we have time we'll try the Saucer again tonight. But for now, let's go."

* * *

AN: Phew. Now I'm tired. Please, PLEASE read and review each chapter! And thank you for reading this in the first place. Now I'm burning out, so I might work on this some more tomorrow. It's late now. I forgot to sleep last night because of Lord Vincent. So buh-bye. prays this idea doesn't keep her awake again

Hint for the next chapter: enter Rufus, Heidegger, and Scarlett! And maybe stupid Palmer. Or Hojo. One of those buggers.

R&R or face the Hellmasker, biotch!...kidding.


	7. Elevator Chase?

**O My Lord Valentine**  
---Chapter Seven

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is not mine. I don't own...oh hell, I'm tired of typing this...  
Warnings in this Chapter: Reno violates Vincent. Total disdain of original Huge Materia plot. Yayness.  
Author Note: It takes a moment to get to any funny stuff in this chapter, on account of keeping the plot going down its straight course. But here's another hint: Rufus. I will not end this chapter without causing his character some humiliation.

* * *

The cobblestone town looked flushed with anxiety, townspeople all over the place, all eyes on the elevator leading to the port and underground reactor. Night fell over the town, bugs buzzed around the outdoor lights. Tifa shuddered, remembering her gas chamber experience instantly. "I'll sit this one out at the Highwind, if you don't mind." Cid nodded as she turned around. Cloud pointed to Cid and Vincent, and soon everyone else turned tail as well. Except for Reno, who wasn't paying attention.

"I could've sworn," he mumbled to himself, "there was something I was supposed to do here..."

"No time for that now!" Cid yelled, making his way towards the elevator. "We got work to do!"

Vincent sighed as Cloud dropped two Materia into Reno's hand. "Remember Reno, you're on _our _side. This one's Comet, and this is Cure." Cid and Vincent already took the liberty of equipping their own favorites. Cid grumbled all the way to the elevator, missing the tradition of just _three _people on a mission at a time.

* * *

"Unacceptable." President Rufus of Shinra tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for his crew to warm up their machines. "You're taking far too long. The incompetence of you people is stunning. Simply stunning."

The large mechanical hook Rufus tarried on still hadn't budged.

Elena swayed her arms aimlessly, nervously biting her lip as she stood behind Rufus like a well-trained dog. Rude looked stiff as a board, listening to their submarine's crabby crew bark orders at each other. Beside Rufus stood his resident slut Scarlett, Head of Weapons Development. Wearing her evening dress, in an underwater constant danger zone, in the middle of the day. From the look on her face, she didn't see anything wrong with that.

With an irritated look, Elena whispered, "What's the President doing here? And Scarlett? Shouldn't they be plotting against Meteor?"

Rude barely moved when he nodded. "Scarlett supposedly arrived regarding the cannon," he whispered back. "As for Rufus, I'm not sure."

Rufus nodded as the booming sound of working machines roared in his ears. "Oh good. At least you got it working." The mechanical arms moved for all of three seconds, jerked forward once, and cut off once again. "I should've known. Scarlett, you stay here. I'll be--"

"BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Heidegger's donkey laugh entered the room, as did his hilarious jelly belly. "AVALANCHE will likely be here for the Materia! We've got soldiers everywhere guarding the fort!"

"That's very nice," said Scarlett, raising an eyebrow. "Now go away."

"But wait, there's more! There seems to be a problem with my Turks! RUDE! ELENA!"

They turned on their heels to face Heidegger. "Sir!"

"Where has Reno disappeared to? He's supposed to be loading the Materia."

Rude nodded, but didn't really answer the question. "I will be filling in Reno's duties, sir."

"Did I ask whose duties you were filling?"

"Er, no, sir. He's, um..."

Elena glanced around nervously. _Gotta think of something that won't get Reno fired faster! _"Reno is...visiting his sick..."

"His sick..." Rude rubbed his head. Sick what, sick what...

Heidegger pulled at his mustache. "Yes?"

"His sick mother in Midgar!" Elena's creativity struck with a vengence. "He didn't want anyone to know, but she's really sick! She has, like, herpes or something!" (First sickness that came to mind.) "And when he's done with that he has this plan to steal the Huge Materia from AVALANCHE, and he said he'd have to do it alone, and then he has to go to the hospital because his boyfriend is very sick! I mean, his GIRLFRIEND is sick! I mean, well...Boyfriend or girlfriend, Rude?"

"I just don't know," he said sadly.

"Well there you have it, sir. That's why he's not here." Elena had managed to distribute half of Reno's past successful excuses, all in one neat package. She looked very proud of herself.

"Oh. Very well then. When you put it that way, I'll allow him five more days of leave."

Rude and Elena dawned very pleasant smiles.

"But if he hasn't returned by noon Wednesday, he can consider his ass TERMINATED! BWAHAHAHAHAAA..." His laugh faded out just the way it had come. Rude and Elena sighed heavily in unison, feeling their own careers slipping away via stupid Reno.

Rufus's eyes had grown two sizes out of the norm. "Reno is gay?"

"We don't know," they said in unison.

Rufus froze completely. Scarlett just looked shocked, but Rufus--

"Sir?" said Rude. "Are you okay?"

Scarlett prepared herself to slap him in the face when Rufus snapped out of it. "Where is he..._really_?"

Rude and Elena exchanged nervous looks.

"If you value your jobs you'll tell me where he is."

Rude took a deep breath and stepped forward, piecing together some big words in his head. "Penetrating enemy defenses via deceptive maneuvers, sir."

"What do you mean by 'enemy defenses?'"

"AVALANCHE...sir."

Elena swallowed her tongue right then and there. Knowing what Reno was _really _after--what he told her, anyway--anything she could've said at that point was bound to cost them their jobs. Rumors had slowly been building in the Turks social network of the "Legend of the Ancient Turk," a mysterious experiment so powerful it had to be locked away in the basement of an old run-down mansion. Reno swore that Vincent was it. If Rufus knew that was what Reno was really after...

"So he's deceived AVALANCHE. That's good. He should have checked with Heidegger though. So Rude. Where is he now. Really."

"Sir, he's...um..."

* * *

"BUZZ OFF!" Cid swung his spear like a baseball bat to Reno's head. He hadn't counted on Reno to duck and hit Cloud instead. "Oh. Damn. Sorry 'bout that."

"Urgh..."

Reno stuck his tongue out at the disgrunted man, swinging his arm around Vincent's neck. "Missed me, old man!" The elevator's lack of space worked to his advantage as Vincent fell back onto the banister. "What's the matter, Lord Valentine? Nervous?"

"Reno...for the love of all things holy..."

"What's wrong?" he said in a deep, alluring voice. Vinny whimpered when Reno closed in on him. "Cat got your _tongue_?"

Cloud flinched when Reno felt the crack of Cid's spear. Cloud cringed and rubbed his head. The elevator groaned to a stop. "Er...Cid. Can you stop that?"

"Lord...Valentine..."

Cid raised his spear on impulse.

"WAIT!" Reno hid behind Vincent, whose face held no expression. "If you don't want to be attacked you'll listen to me!"

"That's RIGHT!" Cid swung his spear in the air. "You work for these goons!"

"Yeah, I'm aware of that. But hell, _you're _the one that came here!"

Cloud shrugged at Cid. "Should we run, then?"

"It might be too late," said Reno. "Rude is probably loading the ship as we speak."

Reno held his shoulders just a little too tight for Vincent.

"Then what should we, um...do..." Cloud trailed off as he watched Vincent swat at Reno, who also stood too close behind for his liking. This was not the time to be playing with Vinny's head, and Cid obviously agreed, yanking a new cig from the pack clasped under his goggles strap. Cloud knew he should've picked a different team... "Hey! I said what should we do!"

"Hey Vincent..."

"Hm? What are you...? CID!"

* * *

Tifa picked up her phone half an hour later.

"Tifa! TIFA! Send another team, hurry!"

"Huh? What happened, Cloud?" Sitting tensely in her seat, her high voice attracted everyone's attention. "Did you get caught? Are you in trouble?"

"We have to get back to the ship! Assemble a team and have them get the Materia!"

"What happened, Cloud? Tell me what happened!"

"Tifa, do you really want to know..."

* * *

Tifa did NOT want to know.

Yuffie, Red and Barret went to swipe the Huge Materia, and she wished she had gone with them. After watching Cloud storm back to the ship empty-handed, Cid and Reno trailing behind, lugging an unconscious Vincent Valentine with them, she knew the makings of a very embarrassing situation had unfolded. Cloud didn't say hello when he passed her. He just shook his head and growled.

"What did you DO to him?!" She ordered an explanation.

Reno looked down at his motionless lord on the Highwind deck and scratched his head sadly. "Nothin'."

"Oh, he _did _somethin', all right," grumbled Cid. "What I wanna know is who did what to his _brain_."

Cloud stepped up to tell the story. "We were trying to think up a plan and bust in there to get the Materia, but Reno here had to go and shock Vincent by...er..."

"Messin' in places where the sun don't shine."

Reno laughed it off. "It was only for a second--"

"TWO MINUTES!" both Cloud and Cid shouted.

Tifa slapped her forehead. "Wow..."

"Poor Vincent was scared to death, running around and around and around--"

"Uh-huh."

"And Reno was chasing him around and around--"

"Yep."

Reno smiled. "I was just bein' silly. You know. Ha ha? Hardy-har?"

"You cost us the fuckin' Materia!" Cid scathed.

"Hey, Cloud joined in, too!"

"No I didn't! No I didn't, Tifa! I was trying to _stop_ him!"

"Oh, is _that _what you were doing?"

"ANYWAY. All this crazy shit was going on, and Cid started yelling--and you know how things get when he yells--and then the guards came and ambushed the elevator. And they were like, 'Should we leave you guys alone?' and then Reno was like, 'Oh no! Join on in!' And then Vincent passed out saying something about Lucrecia, and Cid and I beat up the soldiers, and we ran like mugs when the alarm went off."

"So you didn't get past the elevator," Tifa concluded. "If Aeris could see us now..."

Vincent groaned but didn't get up, like he was rolling in his grave already.

* * *

"Why did the alarm go off?" Rufus asked the soldiers dashing up to him. One stepped up to speak. Elena and Rude moved to either side.

"AVALANCHE has arrived, sir!"

"Oh. Was a Turk with them?"

"Oh hell yeah--I mean...yes sir."

Rufus glanced at Rude, whose expression hadn't changed. But under his shades he shed a small tear, and wondered what the hell Reno did.

"What area were they in?"

"Still in the, uh...elevator, sir."

"Did something unusual happen?"

"Yes sir. Copping a feel on another man, sir."

Rufus sputtered something that may've been a snicker, but instantly covered his mouth. Scarlett glared at him from behind.

"On...who...? Pray tell."

"Some creepy effeminate man in a red cape, sir."

"BAH!" He fell to his knees and clutched his stomach in an agony of laughter. He stopped to gasp, cackled again, rolled around once, running into Elena, then the other way, and pointed an amused finger at Scarlett. "I knew it! You owe me five gil!"

"President Shinra," she hissed. "A man in a red cape?"

"Pay me now, Scarlett."

"Could he be the Ancient Turk I've been hearing about?"

"No, Scarlett. He can't. And you can't escape paying me, either."

* * *

Professor Hojo sat happily in his big ol' lab full of nasty slimy creatures, plugging away at an animal's insides, completely unaware that the secret pesky man he hid away thirty years ago, had become nothing less than a career-saving Turkish legend.

* * *

AN: Um...okay. Maybe in the next chapter I'll try something more concrete. It took a long, long while to come up with this chapter. Please say so if you think it's crazy and needs to be contained. I'll definitely be getting more into this Legend of the Ancient Turk thing. 


	8. Wake Up Call

**O My Lord Valentine**  
---Chapter Eight (woohoo!)

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is not mine. I don't own any of the characters in this story unless otherwise noted.  
Warnings in this Chapter: Slight sappy CidxVin yaoiness.  
Author Note: This is part one of two, I guess. Not much of...much. Ah well. At least I haven't given up on this story yet.

* * *

"Heidegger." Scarlett approached him with the utmost seriousness in her eyes. "You won't believe what I have to tell you."

"Are you lying?"

"_No_."

"I don't believe you! BWAHAHA--"

"Heidegger! Do you remember that time we overheard the Turks gossiping about some legend?"

"Eh?"

"The Legend of the Ancient Turk."

"Oh?"

"Well it must be true. Reno is not in Midgar visiting his momma. One of our men caught him in the elevator with AVALANCHE, chasing a man with long black hair. I remember someone describing him that way. I'm led to believe, that apparently he's in some sort of relationship with the revived Ancient Turk!"

"Wha?"

"You heard me. Stop doing that."

Heidegger lifted his fat ass out of his seat, eyebrows turned down with businesslike severity. The only thing contrasting his staid exterior now was that frequent wiggling of his mustache. "I see." (Wiggle-wiggle.) "So Reno is after the Ancient Turk to save his career."

"Apparently so," said Scarlett. "But...from what I've been hearing, it's not just that. I think he's sitting on the fence. Preference-wise."

"Shall we notify the rest of the board?"

"No, not yet. I doubt Hojo will know much about the Turk, anyway." (If you say so.) "President Shinra thinks it's a laugh and a half, both the Turk and Reno's preferences, so we won't be getting his assisstance."

"Assisstance?" (Wiggle-wiggle.) "With what?"

"With retrieving the Ancient Turk, of course."

"But that's just a myth;Rufus would have no part in it."

"Heidegger!" Scarlett grabbed his uniform and shook him as best she could with her girly arms. "Just think of the possibilities if this man is really the fabled Ancient Turk!"

"Heh?"

"Heh...forget it."

* * *

Vincent shuddered before opening his eyes. A gentle morning light gleamed through unfamiliar white curtains. Blue and white panels on the walls led down toward the wood floors. Vincent groaned as he sat up, pushing away the sheets of the bed. All but his pants sprawled across the chair beside him, his headband close to falling into an ashtray on the end table. He noticed Cid smoking by the door, his spear propped against a dresser.

Before Vincent could ask, Cid said "You're in Kalm," and made his way to the chair.

Vincent nodded, watching Cid's every move as he jammed his cigarette into the ashtray.

"Figured we should put you someplace quieter than Junon or the airship."

Again he only nodded. Cid was bound to be mad at him, after that horribly-executed failure of a mission last night. He opened his mouth to ask where Reno was--not out of concern, but of self-worry--but didn't speak. He pressed his teeth together, wondering if it might be too late to say hello instead.

"How do ya feel? Ya hit your head on one of those banisters last night."

"Better. Thank you, Cid." At this point he would have resorted into silence yet again, had he not seen the way Cid's chest heaved a quiet sigh. "Cid?"

"Hm?"

"I'm sorry about all of this. Truly, I am."

Cid looked at Vincent sideways, then cracked a smile. He looked more inviting without his jacket and cigarette-wielding goggles. "Yeah, well. How would you've known this mixed-up Shinra had the hots for you."

The _hots? _For _him? _The thought of it made Vincent's headache worse. "He needs me for his job, and that's it. He's just messing around. I'm sorry he's been on my tail so much."

"He likes you." Cid drew his face nearer to Vincent's, surprising the raven-haired man. "It's not about that job anymore. Don't make like you don't know that. We're competin' here, and you're the prize."

Vincent gasped silently, taken aback; not often did Cid swoop down on him with a compliment like that. Nor did he like to get this close when someone could be watching from a wide-open door. In fact, he protested most any romantic contact whatsoever. "Cid..."

"I know, I know. What can I say. Somethin's come over me. So just shut up and kiss me."

Vincent smiled, hardly able to lean in before Cid grabbed his shoulder and engulfed him in a kiss. Vin pressed his hands subtly against Cid's sides, tearful from his forgiveness. He wished to hang on to that moment as he deepened their kiss, knowing it could last forever, if only Cid were immortal too...

"Cid! Breakfast is rea--YIPE!" Tifa almost dropped her tray.

Vincent found himself shoved away by a shocked and wailing Cid, who then whirled frantically around and slammed his fist on the table. "WHAT?!"

Tifa had her hand to her mouth, rather shocked, herself. "Oh! Cid!" She placed the tray on the end table and grinned ear-to-ear, teasingly clasping her hands behind her. "And I always thought you were just playing daddy with him!"

"Dammit woman, would you just go an' eat your damn BREAKFAST?!?"

"But Cid, it's so _cute! _Hey Yuffie, come here! Quick!"

Vincent rubbed his aching head. He'd hit his head on the wall. Good going, Cid.

Yuffie showed up instantly and scanned the room in a flash. Seeing Vincent against the wall and Cid leaning back on the bed from his chair, she needed no explanation. "Oh my God! I knew it! I so knew it!"

The girls then performed an very unneeded session of fangirlish jumping and slapping of hands, which, to Vincent's dismay, attracted both Cloud and Reno. And Red. And Cait. Cloud yelled, "The heck's going on here?!"

Yuffie and Tifa replied with a point Vincent's way and something like "SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Reno pushed Cid's chair farther back and jumped on the bed himself. "Heya, Lord Valentine! What's going on?"

Vincent whimpered automatically, covering his lap with his hands.

"Aww c'mon. It wasn't _that _bad, was it?"

"Cid! Cid?"

"HE'S CALLING ON CID! SQUEEEEEEE--"

"How much do I owe you?" Red asked Cait.

Cloud grinned lecherously with his hands on his hips. "Hmmm, looks like a triangle to me."

"EVERYONE GET OUT!" Cid managed to grab his spear in one hand and Vincent's shotgun in the other. "I'M A MAN, DAMMIT! I ain't about to get mushy or triangulized or nothin'! Out you go! OUT!" A crowd of laughing bystanders started to leave, but Cid had to prod Cait Sith and Red who were busy discussing Cait's earnings. "Get goin'!"

"Why so ashamed?" said Cloud as he waved from the door. "Love is beautiful, you guys! Especially triangles. Call me sometime and we'll make it a square!"

Reno kissed Vincent on the cheek and jumped out of bed. "Don't be mad. I'm leavin'."

"You better be!"

Cid left to protect his pride from gossipers, and slammed the door shut. Vincent finally rose from where he lay. What a way to start the day. Again.

Suddenly he touched the cheek Reno had kissed. Was there something magnetic about him that Cid and Reno could see? Or were they just...chasing his ass, or something?

* * *

AN: This one's kind of a "part one-part two" thing. Which is why I updated at the same time. Next one involves Vinny-angst. Though kind of humorous, it's still Vinny-angst, so I dunno. Big thankies to Konie Hime for reviewing almost all of my chapters individually! Hime nice. Nice indeed. 


	9. Vincent Has a Hissyfit

**O My Lord Valentine**  
---Chapter Nine

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. If I did I'd revive Aeris as an evil pumpkin-wielding bitch-queen. It would be interesting.  
Warnings in this Chapter: Er...that's a tough one today...  
Author Note: This is actually Part Two of chapter eight, but I'm calling it Nine. Not one of my better works of crapness, but it's decent.

* * *

"Heh-heh-heh...mmm..."

"Reno, stop that..."

"I can't, you know I...Oh my God, Lord Valentine--"

"Have some, uh, self-control..."

Cid fumed with his ear against the door, his face curled into a sneer. Not one hour after he was barged in on by nearly the whole gang of them, Reno had locked himself away in a Highwind chamber, and who knows what sick things he'd been asserting unto poor Vinny. He'd been there for minutes, contemplating whether or not to throw open the doors and toss Reno from the moving ship.

"Heh-heh, self-control? Damn, Vinny-boy, _look _at this! You think that's possible?!...ah!..."

"Reno, please--"

"DAMN!"

"Reno..."

Cid bust open the door to find Vincent at a table with an unimpressed look on his face, first at the ice cream bowl in front of him, then at Cid. On the other side of the table, Reno was enjoying his sundae just a little too much.

"Cid, what's up? You've gotta try this ice cream, it's just _orgasmic_." Cid looked on in horror as Reno swallowed another bite of his sundae, leaned back in his chair, and let out a long whorish moan. "Aaaaaaah, that's some _damn _good ice cream!"

Vincent groaned, poking the melting treat with his spoon. He was not amused.

"Want some? You can have Vinny's. He's not ready for it."

"Shut up," said Cid. "Where the hell did you get ice cream from?"

"Where the hell did you get that _ascot _from?"

"It's not a fuckin' ascot!"

"Yes it is."

"No it ain't."

"Yes it is."

And it all went downhill from there. Vincent rubbed his temples roughly, feeling a headache coming on, and it certainly wasn't brain freeze. How could they be fighting so early in the day?

He'd ignored the whole issue of the Materia, as well as getting chased down by a horny Turk in an enemy elevator. Heck, he'd even tried to let that early-morning kiss slide. Both of them. But after all of that, here comes Cid and Reno again, fully prepared to bring him a royal pain in the ass. (And not a good one, at that.) Reno just finished poking Cid's scarf and telling a fairly lame Yo Momma joke when Vincent finally snapped.

"CUT IT OUT!" he hollared, shooting out of his seat.

Cid squeaked in fear. He didn't even notice Reno had latched onto him for protection.

"Don't you two have anything else on your minds than snapping at each other's throats?! It's been five days since we've let Reno on the ship and I haven't said a word about it! I've been patient with you...people!" He snatched the cigarette from Cid's mouth, threw it to the floor and mashed it with his boot. "No smoking!"

"V...Vinny, I--"

"Don't you 'Vinny' me, Cid. I've been knocked out; I've been violated--" He counted the offenses on his fingers, "--I've been harassed, and left to soak in a lake! And don't think I haven't noticed Cloud ogling me, 'cause I speak Choconese too! Actually I don't, but I knew they were talking about me. Those chocobos are plotting against me, I know it."

"Vin, are you okay?"

"No I am _not _okay! I'm repressed, Cid! So very repressed! Being the center of your tireless quarrel has laid yet another burden upon me. I'm a wandering god to the Turks and a...a...an object, to you people." His face turned from comically panicked to dreadfully resentful as he faced the floor in despair. "It's a competition, and I'm the prize."

Reno let go of Cid instantly, one hand on his shades. "Hey Vinny-boy, don't take it so hard. We're just--"

Cid covered Reno's mouth with his hand. "Vincent, I didn't mean it that way."

"I'm having emotional issues right now. Go." Vincent turned away with his eyes calmly closed, a bit too dramatically, sweeping his hand toward the door. "Don't let it hit you on the way out."

Vincent's emotional constipation reluctantly drove them both away, but not before Reno grabbed his ice cream and took another savored bite. The door slowly slid shut, leaving Vinny alone to dwell in his infamous angst.

His sharpened fingers idly sifted through his hair. He really hadn't meant to go ballistic right then, but somehow, in a glared and twisted way, it felt good to yell at his obsessive fans. Not once did he consider running after either of his "lovers." They'd come back, he figured, as they always seem to.

Vincent sat himself right back down by his bowl, dug his spoon into the mint chocolate treat, and took a careful bite.

_...! Wow. This _is _good ice cream..._

* * *

"Did you hear about the Ancient Turk?"

"Yeah. It's a myth, right?"

"Nuh-uh, the Ancient Turk is real! Reno is after him right now!"

Word of Vincent Valentine's presence spread like wildfire in the Turks society, and Reno had become no less than a brave and wandering warrior in their eyes. Unbeknown to Hojo, quaint stories morphed into extravagant (and almost truthless) tales of made-up histories and destinies and other mythical crap:

"I heard his name is Vincent, a vampire from beneath the town of Nibelheim who slaughters little girls..."

"Well I heard he's Vance, an evil and flamingly gay sorcerer, put to sleep on the top of Mount Nibel by a brave warrior. And Reno's that warrior, reincarnated to tame the awakened beast and bring honor to all the Turks!"

"No, his name is Mehng Pookie. He's an ex-Turk, and a really good one, that ran away to find the Fountain of Youth. I think Reno fell in love with him."

"I think you're all idiots." President Rufus Shinra walked past the three off-duty Turks, making his way down the hallway. "Reno? In love? With some raven-haired myth? I think not."

They waited til the President disappeared into a room number 126, before they snickered and jeered. "I dunno, you guys. He sounds kind of jealous!"

"Gawd, is _everyone _gay nowadays?"

"It's a fad, I think."

* * *

"Look what you did." Cid shoved his finger into Reno's forehead, snarling like a beast. "Now he's mad at _me!_"

"It's not my fault you played him for a fool! What's that you said about competition?"

Barret was around the corner when Cid and Reno went at it again. With a sigh he went to fetch Tifa, who would hold him back when he attempted to bust a cap in Reno's ass.

"I didn't mean it that way!"

"Uh-huh. Sure."

"Why don't you go back to your man Rude, eh? Only a guy like him would miss _you_."

"He's straight, FYI."

"Oh, and since we're on the topic, what the hell are you?!"

"I'm...!" No words escaped his hung-open mouth. His tense shoulders slowly loosened up, thinking the question over in his head. "Honestly," he muttered, half to himself, "I've never been after a guy this way before..."

"So you admit it, ya scrawny punk! You're on the fence."

"Guess so!" he said as he shrugged, smiling with obvious discomfort.

"'_Guess_?' Kinda worse off to be a guess, ain't ya?"

Cid smiled, and watched Reno lighten up before his eyes. Maybe they were finally tying those loose ends in their less-than-friendship. Reno leaned forward with a grin slier than a fox, wordlessly teasing Cid in more ways than one. "Okay, _Dad_. Since I'm 'out the closet' let's call a truce 'til Vinny-boy feels better. Then it's no-holds-barred for the affections of Ancient Turk Valentine. May the best man win."

"You got it, scrawny!"

Barret and Tifa arrived and hid just in time to see Reno cop a kiss and run from Cid (a.k.a. Dad), an activity he seems to pride himself in. He took down the corridor and into the open hall, headed for the deck. Barret turned an icky shade of green. Cid turned the other way, hands behind his head, and whistled all the way down the hall.

Reno hardly laid foot on the deck before his phone went off. No doubt it'd be Elena, pestering him with her rookie rants about responsibility. He didn't want to, currently living in the hellish bliss called Highwind. Though remembering what he'd met Vincent for in the first place--his _job_--Reno picked up the phone. "Hello."

"Reno, it's Elena. You're not gonna believe--"

"No, I'm not giving up on the Ancient Turk yet."

"That's not what I was gonna say! Reno, we're with you a hundred percent on this legend of yours; you're a hero around here!"

"What?"

"You heard me. People are saying all kinds of things, wondering what he's like and what he really is..."

"Who? Vincent?"

"Yeah! I can't believe you were right about this! So what's he like? Is he a vampire? He's probably cute no matter what. Rude's told me all about how weird you acted around 'Lord Valentine.' Hey Reno, are you gay?"

"Uhhhh..."

"Oh, sorry. I shouldn't have asked that. Hey, the president wants to see some progress or you won't get any more leave. You've got to show him you're doing something or you'll be in big trouble!"

"Do something? Like what, file a report?"

"I dunno. I'd bring him in, if I were you."

"Bring him in?"

"Yeah. We want to know him too, Reno."

* * *

AN: HOLD ON THERRR, I think I just got an idea! Ideas are good. Some people need stimuli like soda or crack to get ideas, but not good ol' Clay! I need to distract you guys from Vincent's inevitable angst, so gimme some time to ponder the plot again. Yayness. 


	10. A Soap Opera Moment

**O My Lord Valentine**  
---Chapter Ten

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. If I did Cloud would dress in drag more often.  
Warnings in this Chapter: Same general warnings as before.  
Author Note: Thank you to all my reviewers! Seriously! You're all such sports, especially for waiting for my slow behind to update.

* * *

In the ten minutes Cloud sat outside Choco Billy's stables, he'd noticed Reno run back and forth between the stable and the house at least six times. For a while he didn't question it, nor did he mind Reno's eager desire to go see Cloud's prized _S-Class _chocobo Dasher.

He'd ignored Vin's suddenly bitchy attitude that had carried on for days up until then, as well as the fact that he'd chosen to be cooped up in the Highwind instead of hanging around in Choco Bill's around anyone else. A couple of big yellow birds trotted outside in front of him, which he found more interesting than whatever emotional trauma Vincent was having.

But when Reno left the stables holding Dasher's reins in one hand and _A-Class _Dante's in the other, Cloud had to say something.

"Is there a _reason _you're leaving with my chocobos?"

Reno looked back and smiled like nothing was wrong. "I'm just taking 'em for a spin, that's all."

"Chocos don't spin. Put them back and you won't get hurt."

"Aw c'mon, Cloud. Lord Valentine likes chocobos, right?" He pointed to the Highwind in the distance. "He's having a bad day! Week, actually."

"Shouldn't you be doing something other than that?"

Reno nodded, but didn't care too much anymore. He hadn't done any pestering on the matter of his job in over a week, nor did he mention those ever-growing requests from Elena and Rude to hurry it up and turn the fabled Ancient Turk to Shinra. The requests just stopped a day or so ago. He didn't miss them. Simply enough, he'd been indulging in the wonderful company of Vincent, Cid, and the oddity of Cloud himself.

Although instead of helping Vincent's mood, Cid and Reno had been appalling it; for the past couple of days Cid had been slowly working things out with him word-wise, until Reno found some ridiculous way to screw it up. (He'd been doing the same with their missions thus far as well. You can only imagine the terror Reno felt when he'd pissed Cid off enough to be flung in the way of him and Weapon. You'd think a little girl had confronted it.)

Cloud refused to let the team enter Midgar until Vincent was through with his hissyfit. They needed a vacation anyway.

"Yeah. I know I should be at Shinra right now, but hey. Whatcha gonna do." Cloud's chocobo cooed as Reno stroked her head.

"Well whatever, Reno. Have 'em back in an hour. They're my best ones."

"How 'bout two hours?"

Cloud tapped his fingers on his knee.

"One and a half?"

Still tapping his knee.

"Quit being stingy. One and fifteen minutes."

"Dante."

Cloud's chocobo said "WARK!" and with one cheerful bite had completely isolated Reno's head from the rest of the world. Dasher seemed to snicker. Not that Reno could hear it from inside Dante's beak. Cloud crossed his arms with a satisfied smile.

"Cloud, this isn't funny. I'm not laughing."

* * *

Cid was up to his shoulders in Vinny-angst, also trying his best to pry Vincent from the airship.

"You can't be mad _forever_, can ya?"

"Sure I can." Vincent crossed his arms, glaring out of the cockpit and Cid festered behind him. "At least until Reno is gone."

"He won't leave 'til his job is secure."

"Then I guess we won't be making much progress, will we."

Cid slapped his forehead. _So high-maintenance for a guy. _"Listen. I'll do something, okay? I'll um...um..."

"'Um...'?"

"I'll, er...I'll get you a cookie."

"We don't have any cookies."

"Damn."

Just then Reno came cruising in on Dasher's back, with choco Dante running behind. Reno's face was smugger than ever. "Hey, what's going on."

Cid dawned his automatic anti-Reno glare, until he remembered that stroke of insanity that occurred a few days ago. He let Reno kiss him.

Reno and Cid? Why, that's like Yuffie and Red XIII! Or Barret and Reeve! (That's not so bad.) Or Cloud and...Vincent!

Before he could stop himself Cid hissed into the air and shook those uncalled-for thoughts from his head.

"Vinny-boy, wanna go for a ride? I'll let you on one of Cloud's best!"

"No thanks." Vincent turned away from both of them, back to the window he'd been staring at all day.

"C'mon! Please?" When Vincent didn't budge, Reno paused to stew and plot. He decided he'd pull of the trick that won him a free paid vacation via Scarlett's heartstrings last summer... Swiftly he dismounted Dasher and took his hand of flesh, staring straight into his eyes, and he said:

"Vincent. Come away with me and ride with me until the ends of time..."

"Wha-huh?" Cid's mouth dropped open. Vincent was all ears as the sappy romantic act called Reno continued.

"It was _destiny_ that brought me to your side, Lord Valentine. Think it _destiny_ that you and I are together on this ship, able to fly into the stars to impress even the gods with our heavenly bond..." He took now flustered Vincent's other hand in his as Cid's ultimate weapon jerked into the air. "There are times when I'm insensitive, but isn't it true that love defies and ignores all weaknesses?"

"I...I don't...know...?" Vincent found himself clasped flush against him. Nothing could stop Reno now. He was in the _zone_.

"The end of the world is nearing, Lord Valentine. My career is nothing now. You. _You_, Lord Valentine, are my everything..."

Unfortunately, Vincent forgot to get his gun this morning. He could feel Reno's breath on his face, and wasn't it familiar.

"Kiss me now, Vincent. And we'll ride into the mountains and spend our last moments togeth--"

"WARK!" Dante muzzled Reno the easy way. Cid gave Dasher a high-five (minus the five).

"Good going, guys," said Cloud, arms crossed in the doorway. "Now that that's over, let's all go eat. We're close to the greatest mission of our lives."

"I was kidding. Get this thing off me! He's trying to swallow my ponytail!"

"When Dante gets bored he'll stop on his own."

* * *

"He still hasn't come with the Ancient Turk," Elena reported to Heidegger. "I honestly don't know what's wrong!"

The fat man with the wiggly mustache shook his head and scowled. "Nothing's _wrong_. He's just allowing himself a free paid vacation!"

"No, sir! He's really doing something important!"

"Like _visiting his sick mother?_"

Elena shut up fast. Rude looked as if he'd be sick.

"Rumor has it he's a little too fond of the one they call the Ancient Turk. Who just so happens to run with AVALANCHE. If he won't bring him to us, we're just going to have to take him!"

"But sir," started Rude, "I thought the President didn't allow--"

"HE CHANGED HIS MIND!" (Wiggle-wiggle.) "Now get me Reno and the Ancient Turk. That's an order!"

* * *

AN: I just have to find a way to get some Cloud/Vin, Cloud/Reno, Cloud/SOMEONE in this fic. Yeah. 


	11. Reno Runs Away!

**O My Lord Valentine**  
---Chapter Eleven

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. If I did Cait Sith would not exist. I hate him so much.  
Warnings in this Chapter: None. Sorry. But I promise, the end of this chapter opens a whole new set of...warning-clad ideas.  
Author Note: Yay, a cunning new twist. Yes. It's _cunning_. More of a plot deepener than a humor chapter. Hope you like.

* * *

Reno sensed some ominous presence, even in the homey space of the ranch. Something was wrong, and he knew it. Of all people, Reno knew.

What a shame that it took not Cid, not Reno, but Cloud to pry Vincent from the Highwind and send him down to eat outside with the rest of AVALANCHE. Ironically, the cloak-clad ex-Turk wasn't bothered by there being a picnic when a great meteor loomed in the sky threatening to destroy everything. He sat between Cloud and Yuffie, allowing her to snatch what few bits of food he'd placed on his plate.

"Hey, can I have this? Thanks." Yuffie swiped what looked like a pickle and tossed it into her mouth. "Say, I wonder why Vinny hasn't mentioned his relationship with Cid lately. I mean, his fans would like to know!"

Cid glowered at her, but Barret dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "That ain't none of our business."

"Exactly," said Tifa.

"What _I _wanna hear about is all this intrigue with the Turk he's startin'. Right Tifa?"

"Barret!"

Cid tried to keep his cool as he swallowed what was left of his sandwich. "Nothin's going on with me and the Turk."

"Sure don't act like it!" Barret continued.

Now Vincent was interested. "What do you mean by 'intrigue'?"

"It's nothing!" Tifa voice was annoyingly high. "It's nothing, Vincent. We didn't see or hear anything strange at all."

It crossed Vincent's mind then that perhaps she was _trying _to be inconspicuous.

Red XIII had kept an eye on his new somewhat-friend Reno, who had been quiet--actually QUIET--for the majority of their picnic. Funny, he seemed normal as he was putting Cloud's chocobos away...

"Tifa, are you _sure _nothing is wrong?"

"Yes, yes, I'm sure. Just ignore Barret."

Barret had been jerking a finger at Tifa and shaking his head before Tifa realized and punched his shoulder.

"Hm..."

"So Reno! How are things with your job? Okay so far?"

"Huh?" He was just about to stuff some shrimpy-looking concoction in his mouth. "Oh. Um...Pretty cool, I guess."

Red and Cait exchanged suspicious glances. Then Cait said, "Are you sure everything's cool?"

"Yep. I'm good. It's in the bag."

Cait shook his head, knowing full well that things couldn't be "in the bag."

"What? I mean it! My boss just put me on...extended vacation, see. So I'm just hangin' around right now." He messed with his shades and smiled, awkwardly looking around. Nervously, Cid noted. Not unlike he'd acted before.

Then Reno gasped, and looked up at the sky. He was the first to take notice the sound of chopper blades.

* * *

Elena rubbed her hands together in a feverish attempt to stay calm. She leaned against the wall of the chopper, ignoring the muster of soldiers in there with her and the beating of identical choppers all around them.

Rude stoically approached the wide open door of the helicopter. Below them was a small square blanket loaded with food and seemingly happy people. Reno included.

"What's going to happen to Reno?" asked Elena. "Say he's not good as fired."

Rude was silent. He was pushed aside as the copter reached a safe distance, and the soldiers jumped out two-by-two.

* * *

"It's SOLDIER!" Barret jumped up and readied his gun arm. Choppers landed everywhere, surrounding and backing AVALANCHE and Reno away from their picnic.

Somewhere amidst the mass of blue uniforms, a scrawny-sounding man said "If half of us die, can I retreat?"

To Reno's surprise Elena and Rude surfaced among them. Elena kept her eyes to the ground. Rude's usual expression was nonexistent.

Drinks lay overturned, staining the trampled blanket. Plates and containers were mashed and dented, leaving the area a mess and a few of the soldiers' boots caked with food.

"All Tifa's hard work..." Cloud sighed and drew the sword he knew as Ultima Weapon. "All right, let's get this shit over with."

"Hold on." Rude held up his hand. "If it's all the same to you, we're only here for Reno and Vincent Valentine."

"Take Reno if you want, but Vincent's ours."

Cid and his spear quickly sided with Cloud. Yuffie and Barret followed, then Cait and Red XIII. Tifa looked around behind her, as if searching for something. Regardless she put up her dukes.

"I'm...sorry to hear that, Cloud. This will hurt us more than you. Retrieve Reno and the ex-Turk. Attack at will."

The soldiers charged into the small fleet of defenders, and they were quickly stamped out with ease. Beams of fire flared through soldiers in groups via Red and Yuffie. Tifa watched Cloud's back, rushing them into the ground whenever one could so much as graze Cloud's hair. They started a mad retreat when a mass of comets fell from a sky quickly darkened by magic, though most were forced to retaliate; all but three choppers shut and locked. Chocobos in the outside pen warbled and squawked. One jumped the fence.

Cait had just performed a bolt of lightning on a lowly soldier when a gust of wind befell them all. The crowd looked up in shock as the Highwind lifted off from the ground, slowly turned away from the ranch, and prepared to fly.

"THAT'S MY SHIP!" Cid thwacked a random lackey and ran after it, but to no avail.

"I knew it!" said Tifa. "Reno and Vincent are gone!"

The Highwind blasted off towards the mountains, leaving all the rest of them behind. The sky began to clear. Rude and Elena, previously cooped up in their chopper, ventured out once again.

"I'm not surprised Reno would pull a stunt like that," Elena murmured.

"My ship...He took my ship!"

"Where do you think they're going?" Tifa asked Cloud.

"Er...Beyond the stars, I guess."

"He took my goddamn ship..."

"Aw it's okay." Yuffie patted Cid on the back, feeling suddenly compassionate. "We've got Cloud's chocobos to chase him down on! And we got the sub, and that buggy we never use, and your Tiny Bronco, too. Where did we put that thing, anyway?"

"Don't touch me. Go away."

"Leave him alone, Yuffie," Tifa said. "He's depressed now."

"And he took Vinny too...Vinny and my ship..."

"Someone get this guy a cookie."


	12. Alone on the Highwind

Huh? What's that in the horizon? Could it be? It's...

**O My Lord Valentine**  
---Chapter Twelve! (took me long enough)

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. If I did Yuffie would grow up and get some home training.  
Warnings for this Chapter: Reno. RENO is the warning. XD  
Author Note: I'm so sorry for not working on this story! I've been in the pissiest of moods lately. You wouldn't like me when I'm pissy. Anyway, lemme get back in the groove of things. I need to make some deadlines. If I ever go slacking off again and you're bored be sure to email me as and nag my slow ass on. Seriously.

* * *

Reno stood at the cockpit like President Rufus at his window, surveying his handiwork. Yes, and he felt very accomplished and proud of himself, for whatever stupid reason he'd sustained in his mind. Vincent didn't know what to say. For all he knew, Cid and the others were still at Choco Bill's, and probably mad as hell.

On the other hand, Reno is quite mad as well. In other ways.

"Excuse me." Vincent politely raised his hand, even though no one was looking at him. "Where exactly are we headed to?"

"Eh...We're kinda wanted. I figure we'll just hang low somewhere." Reno didn't like that empty silence that was Vincent's response. "Is that okay with you?"

"Depends on where we're going, I guess." Sure, Reno didn't really answer the question, but Vinny didn't stick around to ask again. He left to pay a visit to the chocobo keeper, only to find that the keeper had fallen asleep outside of the room. Probably disturbed by Cloud's own dancing green chocobo.

Yes. She dances. Vin's not quite sure if Gaea learned to dance herself or if Cloud taught her, but she dances, all right.

He entered the room to find Gaea wiggling around in the back of the room like she had an itch in her bum. "Afternoon, Gaea." He sat in the tuft of straw next to her and let out an exasperated sigh.

"Wark?"

She seemed to expect an answer from Vincent, so he groaned and guessed the question. "I'm fine, thanks."

"Vin!" Reno came rushing in after him and knelt to his knees, grinning slyly. "I thought you were still in the cockpit! You had be talking to myself thinkin' you were there!"

"Oh. Well, here I am."

Reno's grin faded to a simple gentle smile. To Vincent's discomfort, Reno seated himself beside him, shoulder to shoulder. Reno eyed his watch carefully, but said nothing.

Again with the awkward silence.

Reno recalled a friendly tip he'd pried from Cloud a few days ago. It went something like this: "Alright, if you want a pointer, here's a good one. Vinny likes to think he's somewhat masculine, but really, honestly, he's not. Barret says he is, but he's not. He's a woman and he knows it. Just treat 'im like you would any other woman, 'cause that's what he is. A woman."

This being one of Reno's more polished skills, his pride was automatically renewed.

"Reno, I really want to know why you left our...my teammates behind."

Dancing choco Gaea twirled gracefully in the corner. Reno grinned with a quiet, faraway glance.

"See, Cloud often picks me and Cid to fight with him as a team. And well, I can't very well be of use when I'm not present..."

Vincent lost his breath, though regained it quickly enough. "Reno. Get your hand off my ass."

"Oh no!" he replied sheepishly. "That was my knee. See?" He raised his hands. "Both of 'em!"

"You just moved it."

"Ah, so I did." And he took the liberty of replacing it as well.

"..."

* * *

"We're gonna have to take the chocobos," Cloud concluded. "It's the only way we'll catch the Highwind."

Tifa shrugged and patted Dante's head. "I wonder where they're going. Cid, are you gonna be all right?"

"Shut up." Choco Dasher nipped at Cid's moppy hair as he sat huddled by the stable in an angry, smoking wad.

"Cloud, maybe we should go _without _him this time--"

"No! I'm going and I'm whoopin' Reno's ass for this!"

Barret crossed his arms. "Damn straight you will."

"CLOUD," Tifa said in a distractingly loud voice. "Are you certain that Vincent's safe all alone with Reno?"

"Of course he is. My green chocobo will alert me to anything strange in the ship." He nodded with assurance, only to spring up as he reviewed his words. "The _pilot _will, I mean! And those other crew dudes too."

* * *

Gaea watched in wonder as Reno cattily pounced on Vincent in the patch of straw. He stopped Vincent's holster-bound hand and leaned closer to his trapped, shocked face.

He breathed into Vincent's mouth with a less-than-innocent smile. Vincent found his own breath exiguous, his forehead itching with dry grass and wet with anxiety as Reno captured his lips, fingers toying with his black lapel, for once unobstructed by dark fabric and buckles. Again he tried to mumble some sort of objection, perhaps "Reno, let me go" or "Oh no, are you drunk?" and again, it merely managed a moan, as Reno dropped himself on Vincent's panicked body. He released the ex-Turk from the elongated kiss, grinning.

"Reno, what are you doing?!"

"What's it look like I'm doing? C'mon!"

"Reno...Cid!"

"Wark?"

"Gaea!"

"Hey, not your left hand! That hurts." Reno straddled him and took his shoulders hostage, never minding that tedious old superstition that what he was doing was wrong, kissing him again, noting the heat of their flushed chests. Gaea swooped out of the door as Vincent ran his head into the wall (accidentally, mind you), both of them hesitantly trying to escape.

The chocobo keeper, awakened by the ruckus, grabbed Gaea before she could rampage the ship.

"Gaea, what's going on in...Oh. Captain's not gonna like _this_."

* * *

"This is an outrage!" (Wiggle-wiggle.) "Running away like the mouse he is!"

"Sorry...sir." Elena smothered the tiles beneath her shoe. "We were busy fighting AVALANCHE and I guess we weren't--"

"BAH!"

"Um...But we know he took off westward and seems to be continuing that course toward Cosmo--"

"GRAH!"

"So sir! If you'll give us the chance to apprehend them nonviolently--"

"Mmmmmmmmmm--"

"...?"

"--MMMMMMMGRAARR!" (Wiggle-wiggle-wiggle!)

* * *

"He didn't listen, Rude." She stood defeated in the doorway.

"Didn't think he would." Rude took a bite out of his sandwich, promptly holding it a safe distance away for examination.

Elena continued as he picked out the tomatoes. "I guess we should go after him, huh. Go and break up this adorable relationship of theirs." She leaned beside Ruse against the counter.

He crunched into a pickle, not recalling the sight of any pickles in his food. "Mm...Well his mission backfired."

"It did?"

"Yes. Instead of using the Ancient Turk to teach him the mannerisms of a good Turk, he allowed himself to be lured from his career altogether." He sniffed the sandwich and took another bite.

Her breath caught as she fell into a seat. "You don't mean?"

"He's reneging his duties. I'm sure he'll be...fired."

There was a painful moment of silence. Elena glanced at Rude, with his sandwich awkwardly close to his mouth. She suddenly felt the need to gasp again as she looked at his face. "Rude...are you--?"

A streak of tears leaked from under his shades. "He makes..." (Sniff.) "...good sandwiches."

Elena patted his back as he began to blubber. "Oh it's okay, Rudey! It's okay!"

"I used to..." (Sniff.) "...say when I was fighting, 'Say hello to mah lil' friend'...and there'd be Reno..."

"It's alright, we'll get him back! Just you see. We'll go get him right now, after you finish your sandwich."

* * *

Vincent obviously _tried _to pry Reno's frisky arse off of him. He shoved and growled and made every attempt, until he at last got bored and gave in. Reno's fiery ponytail fell over his shoulder and down Vincent's arm. There were times few and far apart when Vincent would remember moments like these from long ago, when all seemed quiet like the only people living were him and the one that he loved...

He hardly minded the fact that he didn't really _love _Reno. But at times such as these, his feelings skewed.

Reno seized the ex-Turk's neck as confusing thoughts rushed in his head too. He didn't mean to be doing this, but still...since Vincent no longer fought back...

"WHOA!"

Vincent and Reno sat up instantly as the raggedy voice caught their ears. What color was left in Vincent drained completely pallor.

* * *

"Hey!" said Tifa. "Red's missing!"

* * *

AN: Woo, dudes. Okay...I dunno...don't flame me. I just had to have someone walk in on them. 


	13. The Tragedy of Red XIII

That's right, peeps. I'm back! With a brand-new...

**O My Lord Valentine!**  
--Chapter THIRTEEN

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy, because I'm a loooooser.  
Warnings in this Chapter: Sorry, none. But don't worry. When you read this chapter, you'll know it's no-holds-barred for the next one!  
Author Note: Where have I been? I dunno. Off doing homework, reading books, doing stuff, slapping hoes. The usual. Nobody emailed me like I asked them to, but OH WELL, be like that then. You're lucky I love you all.

* * *

Vincent couldn't believe his eyes. He was nearly flat on his back underneath the red-haired Turk, his arms locked stiff against Reno's shoulders, and staring straight up at Red XIII's wide, gaping mouth and beady eyes. _Why me...why in hell did it have to be me!_

Reno didn't seem worried at all. He forced himself to sit up straight, hoisting Vincent up with him, as that customarily cocky smile beamed across his face. "Can I help you?"

Red shook his head absent-mindedly, and soon Vincent saw that Red was regaining his composure. After a few hard blinks, Red coughed and managed to speak. "Am I interrupting something?"

"Sorta, man. What's up?"

Staring up at Reno, wrapped comfortably in his arms, Vincent couldn't muster the words to describe how he felt, the warmth in his chest that seared his heart. No, not out of love, nor lust. The pure anger than enabled him to summon Chaos, unfurling in his chest at an unfathomable pace, flushing his face completely red. _Reno's just...chatting with him? Like this!_

In all Vincent's confusion he neglected to notice Reno's ever-wandering hand, kneading like a prize-grabbing claw at Vincent's ass. Again. Red, however, wasn't so obvious. He choked involuntarily, stumbling out the doorway. "So! So are you two, a..."

Reno grinned. Vincent's eyes narrowed.

"Are you two a..."

"Yes? A what?"

"Are you guys...an item?"

Reno glowed. Vincent fumed automatically, and like a bomb, he went _kablam _in the worst way. "We are most certainly _not _an item, _Nanaki_. And before you go running off at the mouth to Cloud and Cait, know right now that this was _not _my idea, I did _not _want to be here..." He pointed stiffly at Red with every despicable _not_. "...and if I ever find out you made the mistake of blabbing to _anyone _about this, so help me I'll have your tail for a necklace and your snout for toilet paper!"

Reno let go of Vincent. "Toilet paper?"

"Toilet paper." Red produced a somewhat smug smile, the best he could manage with his furry, lipless muzzle. "That's funny. I don't think you're in the right..._position_...to call the shots here." His murderous laugh seemed almost demonlike, a howl fit for Hojo. Reno grabbed Vincent again like he would a giant teddy bear, shaking behind his newfound human shield.

Vincent grumbled in his throat. "You're not thinking what I think you are."

"Oh, but I am. And I suggest you do what I say, if you don't want _others _thinking bad things."

* * *

Dasher, the _S-Class_, tore across the grasslands with Tifa and Cloud on his back. Clouds in the sky reflected shadowy blotches on the fields and marshes. Cid gripped Dante's reins so hard his palms were sore, following Dasher with careful precision, all the while avoiding the millions of thoughts in his head that rammed against each other moment after moment, causing him a rather savage headache. 

_Vincent...was he really kidnapped? Or did he choose to go with him?_

"Damn Turk..." _I didn't mean nothin' when I kissed him, that was _his _idea. All this was his idea! If he hadn't been all, 'Lord Valentine this' and 'Lord Valentine that'..._

Yuffie flailed on the very end of Cloud's black chocobo, having as much trouble holding on to Barret's broad back as Slade the chocobo had running with all that weight. "Wa-------rk!"

"I really don't like Barret riding Slade," Cloud confessed.

"Barret'll be fine."

"Who cares about Barret? I'm worried 'bout my chocobo!"

Suddenly Cid's GPS system emitted a series of beeps. Releasing the reins from his right hand, he grabbed the global position system. The chocobo keeper's voice blared through the radio.

"Cid, you there? I think Reno hijacked your ship!"

"Nah, you think? Where the hell are you?"

"Uh...Looks like we're on a beeline for Cosmo Canyon."

"Where's Vinny?"

Silence. Rustling sounds.

"You hear me? I said, _where's Vinny_?"

"He's..." The GPS clicked.

"Hey? You there? Hey!"

More rustling sounds, and the GPS clicked again. This time Red was on the line. "Cid."

"Red? The hell _you _doin' on board!"

"Vincent's perfectly fine. You have nothing to worry about. _Nothing_."

Tempestuous fumes in Cid's brain started to cool and deflate. "Oh, damn. Thank you, Red."

"You are welcome. Take your time catching up...Cid?"

"What is it?"

"If Vincent approaches you with a cockamamie blackmail story, he's lying." Click.

* * *

Vincent promised himself he wouldn't cry. He'd beenlistening to the scuffle between Red and the chocobo keeper from theunusualsafety of Reno's calm arms, too far gone with terror to forbid Reno to have his way._I am not being blackmailed by a prodigal four-legged monster...I'm home in my coffin. I'm home in my coffin, dammit!_

"Now."

Vincent jumped at the sound of Red's voice as they sat in despair on the cockpit floor. The chocobo keeper ran screaming, his pants now strangely resembled a skirt and torn in multiple places. Red approached them with a fiery glint in his eyes, his teeth shimmering with doggy saliva.

"This isn't my usual behavior...but what shall I do to ultimately mark you down?"

"Red," Vincent pleaded, shuffling on his butt to the wall of the cockpit until he could no longer shrivel away, "please, I don't know why you're doing this!"

"It must be tough to be human. Any friend you currently have, any love you've ever known, can turn and plot against you for the love of someone else. And by this I mention _brotherly _love." To Vincent's chagrin, Red flashed a wink Reno's way, and the redhead nodded in acceptance.

"Oh no..." Groping the holster for his gun, he found nothing. "You're in this together!"

"I'm sorry, Vincent." He inched his waytowards Vincent and Reno, Vincent on the floor, Reno standing proudly two feet away."Truly, I am your friend. But more Reno's friend than yours."

"What have I done? What have I done to provoke this?"

"You mean you don't remember?"

* * *

_Two months ago, at Cosmo Canyon..._

_Cloud, Vincent and Nanaki, greeted warmly by the mysterious tribe, entered Nanaki's homeland in mystified awe. Not so much with Vincent, though. Already he was pissed that Cid yanked him from the ship and into the wasteland of tousled rustic rock, not to mention he was left neglected when dinner was hot out the oven an hour earlier. God, he didn't even know Cid _had _an oven on the ship! And now he'd been forced to lope up and down the rocky hills, battling gigantic birds and misled monsters as the sun set on the world, and all the while carrying this ridiculous tin lunchbox with his dinner inside. Whose was it? What was it doing on the ship?_

_Seriously. A tin lunchbox with dancing Moogles dotted all around it. Vincent had to wonder who put it on the ship._

_Sitting on one of the many balconies, overlooking the great fire where his friends sat in disciplined rejoice with their new friends, Vincent decided it was the perfect time for him to finish the leftovers in his stupid little Moogle box. He opened the tin and set it on the banister--his first mistake--carefully holding it steady on the rickety beams, extracting a thick bone surrounded with fresh hot meat._

_Meanwhile, just below said balcony, "Grandfather," as Nanaki called him, emerged from a doorway, on his way to greet his four-legged grandson._

_Vincent, rather relaxed by the shimmering stars in the sky, leaned slowly against the banister, forgetting for only a moment about the wobbling tin container, but a moment was too long for him and Grandpa. Still holding his leg of meat, he reached for the box, stretching his metallic arm to catch the handle, but it eludedhim as it tumbled through the air towards the dusty ground. Out flew another slab of meat, a plastic container of water, some cheese cubes, a napkin, some pickled Spam that Cloud made as a joke._

_Appropriately, the Spam was the first to reach Grandpa's shiny head. He stopped short, looking somewhat confused, as well as a small range of nearby people. A couple tiny cubes of cheese bounced against him next, followed by the heavy container of water._

_Cloud recognized the falling items. "Guys." He pointed to the balcony at the very distraught cloaked man above._

_Then, at last, came the Moogles._

_With one very audible _TWANG_, the tin lunchbox assaulted poor Grandpa, right on the shiny bean, followed by a field full of gasps and groans and pointing fingers, first at the mangled old man, then at the balcony-dweller, and hoards of strange statements came pouring out: "You bastard! Dropping a box on an old man!", "Daddy, it's a vampire!", "How could he? The man's already practically dead, why rush him?", "Insult with the injury; look at that box..."_

_Needless to say, Vincent swore he'd never pack a lunch again._

_

* * *

_

"_Now _do you remember?" Red XIII prodded. "I could never see you as the kindly gun-wielding vampire again..."

Reno stepped back, inevitably struggling to stifle a laugh. "Whoa, Lord Valentine. Not always so composed, are you?"

"I...I..." He was cornered. Completely cornered. "...I didn't mean to. I thought you had forgiven me!"

"Hard as I tried," Red sobbed, creeping closer to the ex-Turk, "the humiliation of a children's Moogle lunchbox...I'm afraid my loyalties have since flown erratic, until Reno came along. I plot against Cid as well, for preparing that wretched _box of doom_."

Vincent wanted to console him, somehow take back that fateful lunchbox incident, but already the sadness disappeared from Red's eyes, now replaced with familiar fiery gleam. "And now that _we _are friends, my revenge on you shall be all the sweeter."

* * *

A/N: Heheh...I don't know where this Moogle lunchbox thing came from...but whatever! Please review! 


	14. Nuts

**O My Lord Valentine!  
**--Chapter Fourteen

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. If I did, there'd be a scene with Rufus naked in a birthday cake.  
Warnings in this Chapter: Nuts.  
Author Note: Hope you enjoyed chapter thirteen (which, I just noticed, was Red XIII's best chapter. Get it? Thirteen? Red Thirteen? Cool.) I had expected thirteen to be the last chapter, but I went and threw in Red's whole issue, so that makes it a lot more fun. Enjoy!

* * *

"I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life—" 

"It's okay, Lord Valentine! I've got the cashews!" Reno burst into the cockpit with a jar full of cashews and a song in his heart, leaping right past Vincent, who was huddled on the floor, seeking Gaea's fluorescent green plumage for warmth and security.

"I hate cashews I hate cashews I—what the _hell _are the cashews for?"

"There're never enough cashews in the trail mix at that shop in Cosmo Canyon, y'know? So I always bring my own, but I didn't think I'd have 'em 'cause I keep them in the 'copter, but I stashed some in my coat for good measure."

Vincent unfolded himself from his spot on the floor, disinterested. "An entire jar."

"Mm-hmm!" Reno held up his jar of cashews, looking very pleased with himself.

"Of cashews."

"They're so good. They're like nutty orgasms—"

"NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN!"

Red returned to the cockpit with a devious smile on his face, the feather in his headdress standing straight up in a rather peculiar way as he noticed another Turk-on-Turk battle unfolding. "My, but don't they do the work themselves…"

"It's my own recipe, really." Reno's customary grin widened; it'd become so easy to pick on ol' Vinny. "You haven't _lived _until you've had Reno's Cosmo Nuts. They're soooo—"

"You'rea nut." Vincent stood up, brushed off his red cloak, then pointed at Red. "And _you're _a nut." Then he raised both arms as if to declare surrender. "The whole world is nuts!"

"My nuts are better."

"Ahem." Red ambled further into the cockpit, gesturing a quick hello to the chocobo keeper, nodding to the crew on his right. "As predetermined, our plan is to return to Cosmo Canyon—"

"With yummy nuts—"

"—ever so slowly lead the team into our hiding place—"

"With a trail of nuts—"

"And then," his voice climbed higher and louder, anticipation bubbling in his chest, "when tension's strung high, when all is said and done, when everyone's in place and the stage is set, then…THEN, Vincent Valentine, Reno and I shall be your demise—"

"He's so eloquent," Reno sobbed.

"We shall bring about your doom in the most humiliating, most horrific way possible…the only way I know how to fully avenge that…Moogle lunchbox…"

"It's awful, Red."

"I know."

Then Reno and Red hugged, and Red sobbed, and Reno pretended to be sobbing, though Vincent saw it obvious that he was actually snickering, deeply entertained by the dramatic narration and extreme words of Nanaki.

Vincent shook his head. _Home in my coffin, home in my coffin…_ "What are you going to do to me?"

The sobbing hushed. The snickering cut short. Reno and Red, in one fluid motion, turned and glared in his direction.

"What shall we do?" said Reno.

"What shall we _do_?" said Red.

Then silence. Then Reno asked, "What _shall_ we do?" He grinned at Red, and Red, hestitantly, as if reading Reno's mind, smiled in reply.

* * *

Two hours seceded fast like an autumn leaf from a tree, and Cloud sat nestled between his lovely flocks of weary chocobos, feeling their pain. He especially cared for poor choco Dasher, mangled and worn from lugging the intense weight of Barret around for three agonizing hours. "It's okay Dasher, I'll never let him hurt you again." He stroked Dasher's garbled head. 

"Wark…wark-wark wark war-wark…" ("I…I feel so abused…")

"Wark wark. Waaark." ("Don't cry. Be strong.")

Tifa shielded her eyes from the sun with her glove-clad hand, squinting up into the rustic red canyon. "They've been here," she announced. "Maybe for quite some time."

"How d'ya know?" Cid asked her.

"Reno's been putting different fuel in the ship since he got here. Didn't you know that?"

"N…Yeah. Yeah, I knew!"

"Smells like ramen," Cait concluded.

Tifa shrugged. "I think it _is _ramen…"

"Where do ya think Reno went wit' him?" Barret said. "Maybe the cave? I can see him gettin' it on in a cave, the lil' monster fag—"

"You callin' Vinny a monster?" Cid yanked his spear out of the ground.

"Nah, he's the _vampire_. I'm talkin' about Reno."

"Aw. Okay."

"ANYWAY, we need to find them." Cloud gave Dasher a kiss on the head (out of eyesight from the others, of course) and stood into his best Hero stance. "This is crucial. Vincent and Red are valuable members of the team, and no matter what they're doing on that ship, it's imperative that they stop and return to the group."

"It's imperative!" Cid said.

"Like you know what that means…I feel like what I'm about to say is cliché, somehow, but I can't put my finger on why, so I'm going to go ahead and say, Let's split up, gang!"

* * *

"Elena." Rude stood over a pile of tarnished rock, peering down into the crevices through his dark shades. "Elena, come look at this." 

"What'd you find?" Elena crept up behind him, peering over his shoulder. When he saw what Rude had found, she sprang back and said, "Oh my God! You know what this means?"

"This could prove more complicated than we thought..."

"No, no, Rude, you don't understand!" Elena started to pace across the rocks, cutting through the thick clouds surrounding the canyon as she wandered back and forth. "That's his joke jar; he left the good one in the copter!"

"'Joke jar'?"

"We can't let him feed them to anyone!"

"Why not?"

"Oh Rude, you don't wanna know!" She grabbed Rude by his clean lapel and pulled him away on a frantic race for Reno, leaving the strangely-colored cashews in the dirt.

* * *

"Aw, nuts." Reno complained as he entered the cockpit with a fresh batch of doctored trail mix. "I dropped one."

* * *

A/N: You guys, I'm so sorry for the long absence, and then I go and give you guys a freakishly short chapter. But I have an excuse. There's been a pretty big--and _ongoing--_tragedy in my family. It's caused us all to change our lives, lifestyles; I've had to move; I haven't had nearly the same amount of free time I had back in Ohio, what with community college and whatnot...but hey, I don't wanna bring down the fun atmosphere of this story, I'm just apologizing for the extended absence. THANK YOU SO MUCH for your kind reviews, and C2s. I've never been on one of those before! Yay! You guys make me wanna explode with love and happiness and kittens. Thanks, guys! And I'm taking a couple of writing classes in community college so I'll have no excuse to keep from writing this some more...  



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